5 Steps to Saying No to Dominating Spouses - 215

Can a marriage thrive under the weight of the dominance and control of an overbearing spouse? We explore this pressing question as we unravel the complexities of destructive dominance in relationships. Through personal anecdotes and insights, we shed light on how dominance and narcissistic traits can disrupt the balance and harmony in a marriage, potentially leading to dissatisfaction and even divorce. Listeners will learn how to recognize these patterns and gain practical strategies to foster equality, mutual respect, and a healthier partnership.

Our discussion takes a historical and biblical perspective, reflecting on how the original design of marriage was intended as a partnership of equals, and how this ideal was disrupted. We dive into the dynamics of how personality types and learned behaviors can lead to an imbalance of power and control. In this episode, we address common dominance issues, provide action steps for achieving a balanced marriage, and underscore the transformative power of faith in addressing these challenges.

As we navigate through the challenges of pride, fear, and insecurity, we emphasize the importance of humility, communication, and shared decision-making in marriage. Through stories of personal experiences and biblical teachings, we offer hope and encouragement to couples striving to overcome these obstacles. Join us on this journey to renew your marriage through partnership, faith, and God’s timeless design, and discover the steps you can take to create a fulfilling and loving relationship.

Chapters

• 0:04 Disarming Destructive Dominance in Marriage
• 4:14 Breaking the Curse of Dominance
• 10:30 Recognizing Dominance Issues in Marriage
• 15:55 Navigating Dominance Dynamics in Relationships
• 21:40 Breaking Generational Dominance Patterns
• 30:47 Submission, Authority, and God's Design
• 39:45 Navigating Spousal Dominance in Marriage
• 43:29 Overcoming Dominance in Relationships
• 51:38 Renewing Marriage Through Partnership
• 58:50 Restoring Hope Through God's Word

Transcript

Michelle Moore: 0:04

where you can't just let somebody walk all over you like a floor mat and I'm just going to say this because, as you're saying all that, it's easier said than done it is yeah and because I've walked that when you say that it's like you have no idea of what it's like to try to be assertive to someone who has a strong personality and has, like, some of the narcissistic features to them. So Dan is right. I mean, this is definitely something you have to do and it got to the point. That's what I did and you know, before we ended up divorced. I got to the point where I didn't even like him because of the situation that we went through and how he treated me every day and how he made me feel.

Daniel Moore: 0:51

This week we continue our series on the four laws of love. As we are going to be talking about disarming destructive dominance, We'll be getting back into that right after this.

Aria: 1:02

Welcome to Connecting the Gap.

Daniel Moore: 1:37

This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies and interviews with people that have a story. I'm Daniel Moore. Your host Got Michelle Moore, my beautiful wife, sitting here with me this week as we are continuing our series on the four laws of love. Thank you, guys, for joining us this week. If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at wwwconnectingthegapnet for all of our platforms that we're on our YouTube and Rumble links. We're also on the Christian podcasting app, edify. If you can. We're also on the Christian podcasting app Edify. You can also visit us on social at facebookcom, forward slash ctgaponline.

Daniel Moore: 2:12

If you're a fan of our show, please subscribe and feel free to leave a comment on our platforms and give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. We'd be eternally grateful to you for doing that. That helps our podcast to grow and helps it reach more people. Well, we hope you guys have been enjoying our series so far, as we've been doing this now for about a couple months, plus probably at this point, and we've covered a lot of territory. And this week we're going to be talking about something that happens a lot in marriages. It seems like there's a lot of times that there will be a spouse in the marriage that's very dominant over the other one, and a lot of times that causes problems, that causes issues, and so this week we're going to talk about that and we're going to talk about disarming that destructive dominance in marriage.

Michelle Moore: 3:14

An informal poll was conducted in marriage conference across America and around the world concerning dominance in marriage. This was done by asking two questions to an audience concerning their parents' marriages. To an audience concerning their parents' marriages. The first was how many of you grew up in a home where one of your parents were clearly dominant over your other parent? If you did raise your hands Immediately in every conference, 60 to 70% of the people present raised their hands. Then the second question would be asked for those of you who just raised your hands do you believe that dominance had a negative effect on your parents' marriage and the family? If you believed it did, raise your hands Immediately, every hand that was raised the first time goes back up. It really proves that dominance is a prominent feature in most marriages and families all over the world and it always has a negative impact.

Michelle Moore: 4:14

The law of partnership is absolute. In marriage. We must share everything as equals. The number one enemy of the law of partnership is dominance. It destroys intimacy because it doesn't want to share. It wants to control.

Michelle Moore: 4:31

As human beings, we were created by God to relate to our spouses as equals. Control is against our design. God created marriage in the Garden of Eden. The word Eden means pleasure and delight. This is important for us to remember because so many people today equate marriage with pain and suffering, not pleasure. But the fact remains that God originally designed marriage as a relationship of the ultimate pleasure and delight. Adam and Eve were created beautifully, naked, without shame, in a wonderland of intimacy. They were equals. There is never a reference in the first two chapters of the book of Genesis that record God's creation of man, woman and marriage to Adam being over Eve or Eve being over Adam. They were complementary, equals and as such, they shared their lives in a peaceful intimacy, as God designed.

Michelle Moore: 5:28

However, all that changed when they rebelled against God. When God found Adam and Eve after they had eaten the forbidden fruit, he pronounced curses on both of them. This is the curse God pronounced upon Eve and her relationship with Adam. To the woman, he said I will greatly increase your labor, pains With pain. You will give birth to children. You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you.

Michelle Moore: 5:56

God's design for marriage was perfect from the beginning. He warned Adam and Eve that if they ate from the forbidden fruit they would die, and they did. The instant their teeth bit into the fruit, they died morally and spiritually as the process of physical death began. Also, as a result, they were no longer filled by the Holy Spirit and fueled by God's love. They were now fallen and mortal. Because of that, they would no longer relate to each other with differential equality. They were now competitors for control. God told Eve that she would want to control Adam, but he would dominate her.

Michelle Moore: 6:38

This has been the greatest curse of marriage since the Declaration thousands of years ago. When the questions about dominance are asked in conferences, it is the testimony to the fact that God's words to Eve were true. Husband and wives have been vying with each other for control since the Garden of Eden and is still invoking a curse upon marriages and families. It will never stop until we repent and return to God's plan. The law of partnership breaks the curse of control off of our marriages and allows us to return to Eden and live together as loving equals. We share life together and make decisions together, without bullying or manipulating to get our way. This ensures goodwill and intimacy.

Daniel Moore: 7:28

So, as we're continuing this week, we are continuing with the law of partnership and we actually started that last week and as we went through that law last week, the things that Michelle and I discussed throughout that discussion was the fact that if you're going to be married and you're going to be a couple and cohabit together, that you have to live in a harmonious type of a partnership in that relationship. If you aren't partners in that relationship, then it makes it very difficult in order to be able to live together and I've you know, when you first started reading this, able to live together. And I've you know, when you first started reading this, this portion here, it really those percentages struck me. You know, the 60 to 70% of the people that were at these conferences would raise their hand if they had any knowledge whatsoever of dominance in a relationship, whether if it was one that they knew of or if it was the one that they were currently in.

Daniel Moore: 8:24

And I think that, as I think about this situation of having a dominant spouse in the relationship, it seems to me that that happens quite often. It seems like a lot of the time, especially considering looking at the statistics, and my assumption is it's probably. Maybe would you think that maybe that's probably over time being married to someone, you kind of get in a rut and maybe, especially if you let the romance die, it just kind of becomes just like they're a roommate to an extent. And I think that when you lose those romantic feelings to a portion and you allow that stagnancy to come into your relationship and into your marriage, I think that if you have someone that has a tendency to be very bossy or very dominant, I think if there's an irritation level there sometimes between the two, if there's some friction going on, whatever it may be, maybe they might seem to pop off a little bit quicker. You know, as that time goes along, have you ever known anyone that's been in a relationship that's been dominant like that?

Michelle Moore: 9:36

Yeah, I mean, I think everybody will know someone out there that has that. They can see that relationship where it has dominance, and I think you know for the most part, I think you know for the majority of people. I feel like it's personality.

Michelle Moore: 9:53

Because, some people are just really like they would rather have someone tell them what to do versus them having to figure out what to do. And some people are you call it bossy, I just call it, as you would say, realist, like you know. I would just say, okay, hey, this is the way it needs to be. But I think it can also be done in a specific way to where it doesn't come across as bossy, because I mean I feel like I was that way when we first got married. I mean I wasn't like horrible, but I was still. I went in my way, or you know, or the highway, pretty much yeah.

Daniel Moore: 10:30

And I've known people that put trackers on their spouse's phones. See, that's just unbelievable. They require them to call every couple of hours, tell them where they're at, what they're doing.

Michelle Moore: 10:42

It's unhealthy.

Daniel Moore: 10:43

If they forget their phone at home and don't take it with them, they get chewed out. I mean, I literally watched a relationship at one point in my life with a co-worker that I had. I watched it play out before my very eyes. He would get furious if she would leave her phone at home because he couldn't keep track of where she was at. I mean the distrust that he had in her was just through the roof. I mean I just it blew my mind that, first of all, that she would allow herself to be treated that way.

Michelle Moore: 11:11

Was it distrust, or is it just controlling?

Daniel Moore: 11:13

I don't know. I mean, it could be either one of those.

Michelle Moore: 11:15

It could be either one of those, someone just may be so controlling that the fact that they want to know at all times what they're doing, it could not, I mean, I can see it being either way.

Daniel Moore: 11:32

I think there's got to be a root to that control problem, and I would assume that probably a lot of times that is a trust issue, because why else would you be so controlling to that extent, you know, if you're constantly wanting to know where they are? Are you tracking them around, you know, to see where they've been and all that? To me that's not trusting somebody.

Michelle Moore: 11:47

It could also come back to the fact. That's the way they grew up, watching their parents that way, and they know no different.

Daniel Moore: 11:53

And you kind of mentioned that when you were talking reading there at the beginning that when they did those polls, a lot of them people said that it did have a negative impact on their family relationships. Even if it was their parents, they would watch that negativity grow. And we're actually going to talk about personality here in just a little bit, because that is a huge factor in what's going on here in this situation. So, jimmy Evans, he says that that's what him and Karen, that's the situation that they had in the several first years of their marriage and the reason they didn't have a very good marriage was because of him. He was a dominant chauvinist and he controlled Karen in their home and then, as we were discussing, there was negativity there. She resented it and it destroyed their intimacy and it took him repenting and to start treating her like an equal before their marriage was healed. And at that point they experienced a new level of intimacy and he said it was beautiful and it only occurred when the third law of marriage that we're talking about here, the partnership, was put back into play and they fixed those loose ends there I guess you could say in the relationship, those loose ends there, I guess you could say in the relationship. You know dominance, it's the disproportionate control of a marriage and those elements common to the marriage, such as children, finances, sex priorities any of the things that you can think of to put in that list.

Daniel Moore: 13:18

If you think that your marriage is a corporation, both the husband and wife should have equal stock in the company. You're co-owners and co-controllers of the corporation. Now you can look at this like a dollhouse with a roof. If you take the roof off and it's tilted back so you can see the floor plan of this dollhouse from the top. If control is represented by room size, the husband and wife should have rooms in the house that are equal. Neither spouse should have a room that takes up more square footage than the other one. Your kids would have smaller rooms that, as they get older, the rooms get bigger, and if those rooms eventually, you know, become to the size of the parents, well, it's time to boot them out and get them on down the road.

Daniel Moore: 13:55

At that point and we've talked a little bit about this already as far as making sure that the husband and wife are on equal playing on equal level playing, grounds, that there's not really either spouse that should be feeling like that.

Daniel Moore: 14:09

They're, you know, dominated or raised up higher than the other spouse, and there's some causes that that comes into play here, that causes this dominance, and there's five of them that we're going to go through today and I really hope, because this is such a huge issue in a lot of marriages, our hope is today that maybe one of these five will resonate with some of you out there. If you're having this kind of an issue in your marriage or maybe you're the spouse that it's that's being treated that way and you can see some of these attributes as we go through them in your spouse. Hopefully somehow we can come to you know some level playing ground here on how to fix these issues and take care of these problems. So the very first cause of dominance in marriage and you just kind of touched on this just a little bit is strong personality. So there are individuals with naturally powerful and assertive personalities and those are often referred to as a type A, a colic or lion-like, and I think with the color code that would be red.

Daniel Moore: 15:14

That is correct, I think if you've ever done the color code Yep. These are people that excel at leadership, and they may also have a tendency to dominate others. Despite this, though, they often attract individuals who are more reserved and less confident. This part just blows me away, because this is so true. It seems like every time you see this scenario play out, you know we marry according to our emotional health. Health marries health, unhealth marries unhealth. People with stronger, more dominant personalities are often attracted to people with quieter and less confident personalities, and this is true because they emotionally accommodate each other. So, with you and I, where do we fall in this? Well, as much as she's over here pointing back and forth putting the puzzle together here, I was going to let her just tell you where we fall at here, Well, as much as in the early part of our relationship, I am a type A Red is something.

Daniel Moore: 16:19

Let's put it this way too, before we start, that Neither me or you have much red. No.

Aria: 16:23

I.

Daniel Moore: 16:23

We've done the color code and I mean you had all four colors you had all four yeah I had less red than you yes but you actually had more blue personality, which is more of a servant yeah type of a personality, so it's not like me or you, though, or just dominant, no red. But that red comes into play when I work.

Michelle Moore: 16:43

You know, that's where my, as a manager, you know, I I'm very. This is the way it needs to be, this is the way it's going to go, and I could carry that home, I mean, but you would be the quiet, you would be the listening and I'd be like, okay, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I also laugh at this just because I think of it. Is it the right hand helper? I love to help Daniel drive.

Daniel Moore: 17:04

Helper in the car. We'll get to that here in a minute. Okay, I gotta wait.

Michelle Moore: 17:07

I gotta wait so.

Daniel Moore: 17:08

Yeah, we'll get to that here in just a second. But yeah, so me, you know, you and I really, when it comes to the type A personality, neither one of us really have real high. No, no, that's not like our dominant color between either of us. No, no, that's not like our dominant color between either of us. And so we really don't have that that typical type A personality for like a drill sergeant type of person in our relationship, Although we still do. Just like you said earlier, we have flip flop back and forth throughout our marriage to who tried to dominate who at different times. And so it doesn't mean if you're not type A, you know this bossy type of a personality that takes control and all that kind of thing. It does not mean that just because you don't have that in your relationship, that you're not going to have that effect at some time possibly.

Michelle Moore: 17:55

And I would also say if you're a type A, you can be a type A all day you want, as long as it's done, healthy Right.

Daniel Moore: 18:04

Yeah, so you have to learn to control that, which is harder for type A people. Yes, it's a lot more difficult. Yes, so when we're looking at this and breaking it down, individuals who are dominant seek to maintain control. They love to be in control, so they are then drawn to those who allow them to exert their dominance, who allow them to exert their dominance. That's why, a lot of times, you will see that a type A person that's really strong in their personality, they'll marry somebody that almost looks weak to you when you're looking at the two together.

Daniel Moore: 18:33

It's not always the case. It's not the case, but a lot of times that's what you see happen, and that's because insecure individuals seek someone who can lead them and provide a sense of security that leads them to be attracted to overly confident, choleric individuals who accommodate their vulnerabilities. However, this dynamic is unsustainable, as it goes against the intended design of marriage by God, where partners are meant to be loving equals, sharing life together as one. So the desire for control stems from our fallen nature and brings the curse upon marriages and the families that embrace it. So, as you see this play out and you guys listening probably know a couple that really fits this scenario. I've always myself wondered you know, why do people that I see that let people walk all over them? This is kind of just my description of that type of person. That type of person lets people just walk all over them. To marry somebody that just walks over them.

Michelle Moore: 19:31

Well, I walked that previously, before this marriage, so yes, yeah, it's crazy.

Daniel Moore: 19:38

So what causes that? Is it just—do you see in this description of how the weaker one seeks the person that would control their situations and does that give them stability? Do you see that in your experience? Is that kind of how you see that play out?

Michelle Moore: 19:58

I wouldn't say necessarily stability, I think it's. For me it was just that's all I knew, you know, and I don't think that it's just very difficult to say for anybody else, but for myself it was the fact that I thought I was in love. This is the way marriage was supposed to be. It was the fact that I thought I was in love, this is the way marriage was supposed to be, probably because I seen how my dad treated my mother. You know it's. And then in the back of your head, when you're married, you don't get divorced. You know, and in all reality too, he wasn't that way until after I got married.

Daniel Moore: 20:39

So this can come, this kind of comes back to the family deal with you, yeah, because you saw that growing up, yeah, and so that scenario then carried on into your. I don't want to say it's a generational curse necessarily, but it's kind of that type of storyline yeah, you saw it there, and then you moved into a marriage that was kind of similar to that was kind of similar to that and it's hard to get hooked up in something like that because if the two people cannot come together as a partner and they can't keep it on level playing ground, then somebody always gets the shaft in that marriage.

Daniel Moore: 21:16

Somebody goes through that marriage unhappy and unfulfilled, feeling like that they're nobody, they're less than maybe talked down to. They live a whole life like that. If they actually stay with that spouse until the day they die. And I couldn't even imagine being in that spot that's not a place I would want to be at all.

Michelle Moore: 21:35

It's not healthy? No, it's not. It's not healthy for the person that's being treated that way at all.

Daniel Moore: 21:39

Yeah. So just to wrap this piece up here on the personalities if you're a person with a strong personality, it's important to practice humility before God and your spouse. You've got to treat them like an equal, grant them an equal share of input and decision making and resist the urge to let your dominating nature take over in any aspect of your marriage. And don't say you can't do it, because with God anything's possible and God can help you control that dominating spirit. Seek your spouse's advice, avoiding the use of intimidation, pressure, manipulation or dominance and we see that a lot happen manipulating and putting pressure or intimidating them into agreement, that kind of thing and embrace the idea of co-leading with your spouse and witness the positive transformation that it's going to bring to your relationship, you know. So what we're saying here is these two types of personalities can get along.

Daniel Moore: 22:34

Yeah, I mean, it's completely possible If you keep God in the middle of it and you keep your perspectives where they need to be. Satan's the one that likes to trip off the triggers. Perspectives where they need to be. Satan's the one that likes to trip off the triggers.

Daniel Moore: 22:46

So the people out there that's got the dominating personality and the short fuse, that's Satan that trips that fuse a lot of times, and that is something that we have to overcome as Christians. That's not how God wants us to react to things, and so we have to learn to get past that, regardless of what our personality is and you can. We know a pastor friend right now that's a type A and his wife is very passive and they get along. You know, really they have an awesome relationship, and so I know it's possible.

Michelle Moore: 23:18

Again, it has to be healthy, Right? I mean, if you're any type of color code, as I would say, or any type of personality, you can be unhealthy and you can be healthy with your spouse. And it's all dependent on you and your relationship with Christ, because, I mean, we're human, we're going to make those mistakes, acknowledge those, pray about it, you know, and talk to your spouse, communicate, hey, I mean, obviously they're going to know. If you're a very dominant person, they're going to already know that you struggle with that. But, you know, definitely bring it to the forefront and ask God to help change you from the inside out. I mean, just make sure that you try to do it in a healthy manner.

Daniel Moore: 24:04

Yeah, side out. I mean, just make sure that you try to do it in a healthy manner, yeah, and for you that have the assertive personality, this is probably going to be tough for you, but according to study and the way that this all works, this is really how you need to handle this. If you're the person that's being talked down to and that's being controlled, you need to communicate the importance of shared decision making and your refusal to be controlled or disrespected. Be prepared to confront various control tactics from your spouse, such as intimidation, manipulation or self-pity, and you have to stand your ground. Change will not occur in your marriage unless you are willing to assert yourself and play your part.

Daniel Moore: 24:40

People will only treat us in a certain way if we allow them to do so, and if we refuse to tolerate it, that behavior will cease. You've got to approach the situation with love and firmness. Don't be hurtful or unjust. There's a proper way to approach this, which is hard sometimes, and if it does prevail and you guys just really can't figure it out between each other, then there's an issue there for counseling. You guys probably need to seek a good biblical counselor somewhere to help work through whatever that root issue is that's causing you to just not make it click, but the person that's passive or whatever. You can't just let somebody walk all over you like a floor mat.

Michelle Moore: 25:19

I know, and I'm just going to say this because, as you're saying all that it's easier said than done.

Daniel Moore: 25:25

It is yeah.

Michelle Moore: 25:27

And because I've walked that, when you say that it's like you have no idea of what it's like to try to be assertive to someone who has a strong personality and has, like, some of the narcissistic features to them, so my, you know, Dan is right. I mean, this is definitely something you have to do and it got to the point. That's what I did and you know, before we ended up divorced. I got to the point where I didn't even like him Because of the situation that we went through and how he treated me every day and how he made me feel it didn't matter if I stood up, and I don't want that, you know, for anybody. But there comes a time where you have to make a decision and counseling had already been done and multiple things had been done, but it is very, very hard to walk through that. So I totally understand.

Daniel Moore: 26:25

Yeah, and honestly, it's probably as hard for that dominant person to control their dominance as it is for that assertive person to stand their ground. You're going to have a battle, it's not going to be easy, but guys keep God in the middle of it. That's why we keep saying from the very beginning of this study you've got to keep that order. It's God husband, wife, kids but there's equal playing there, equal ground there between the husband and the wife, and we've talked about that several times how that works. It's a no-brainer whenever you let God take the wheel how that works.

Michelle Moore: 26:58

It's a no-brainer whenever you let God take the wheel. And again, my ex-husband and I did not go to church. We did not have God at the center. So, as Dan said, keep God in the center.

Daniel Moore: 27:07

So the second one is iniquities and intervowels, and the word iniquity in the Old Testament means to bend or twist. It means a send, tendency or bent in an area or areas of our lives because of the negative influences of our parents. In Deuteronomy, chapter 5, god told Moses that he was going to visit the iniquities of the fathers upon the children's children to the third and fourth generations. Dominant behavior is often passed down through learned patterns from parents and across generations within families. Michelle talked about we talked about that just a few seconds ago with your situation. It's common to observe a pattern of dominant individuals, whether male or female, persisting throughout family histories. So to address this cycle of dominance, it is important to acknowledge and repent of this behavior and you have to forgive your family for their role in perpetuating it. So if you're the person that's continuing that cycle as time goes along and it's just passing along from generation to generation because nobody's going to break it, they just all want to, you know, just keep continuing that Somebody's going to have to eventually realize their mistake and repent for it. They're going to have to ask God to come in and change them and you're going to have to surrender this aspect of your life to Jesus. There's no other way around it. Our tendency towards certain behaviors may be the consequence of disobedience in past generations, causing us to deviate from the right path. So there's a simple prayer that you can pray. It's just Father, I confess the iniquity of whatever that dominance is in my life as a sin. I repent of it. Pray for your forgiveness. I believe I'm forgiven by the blood of Jesus. I break this iniquity off of my life and my children and grandchildren. I declare that the spiritual power of this sin is now broken off me and all future generations. I forgive my parents and anyone else associated with this iniquity. I submit this area of my life to your Lordship and pray that you'll heal me and teach me how to live in this area.

Daniel Moore: 29:02

That prayer basically consists of you got the problem, you admit it, breaking it. You have to do the declare prayer there to declare victory over that and break those bondages. And then there's forgiveness. You have to forgive your parents because of the generational curse that they've carried along that maybe you have now followed that pattern. They're the ones that set that example for you and some people have a problem with that. They want to hold that against their parents and do the blame game. You know they may be treating their spouse badly. Well, I just can't stop because that's how I grew up. I saw my mom do this to my up. I saw my mom do this to my dad, or I saw my dad do this to my mom all the time, and I'm sorry, but I just keep falling back to that. Well, we have to eventually break that bondage. That's Satan. He's got those bondages on there. We have to break that through prayer.

Michelle Moore: 29:50

And I would think too, though, if you, as I, was sitting here thinking about I know, as I watched my parents everything you do has consequences.

Daniel Moore: 30:01

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 30:02

And I think about how my dad treated my mom and where she's at today, those consequences over the time that I was married to my previous spouse. I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want that. I didn't want my children to have to go through that. So if you're a very dominant person and you're in that, you need to think about the consequences that you bring upon the person, that you're treating them like that, and then for the children.

Daniel Moore: 30:36

Yeah, it's a toss up. Which child's going to carry that into their marriage? Yes, and it's going to be your fault to an extent could be your fault. So, yes, we definitely have to be careful of that.

Daniel Moore: 30:47

Another issue here is making vows. All of us fall for this and this kind of got me myself. You know there's times during hardship in your life, whether if it's in your youth or your adulthood you'll make declarations like I'm never going to allow anyone to hurt me like that again, or I refuse to experience poverty again, or I will not let anyone control me and most people that are listening. If you've been in this situation, you've probably said one of those exact phrases or something similar to that. The problem is is when you make those statements, you're taking Jesus out of that equation. That is a prideful way to handle a situation, because you're keeping that control in your own hands by saying that vow that this is not what I'm going to let happen again, and you try to do that on your own. And that's. Jesus explicitly advises against making vows to ourself or others. He goes on to explain that this practice originates from evil influences. So you may wonder why it is deemed inappropriate to make inner vows or to swear to something Like I swear that I'm not going to let this happen. You know, those kinds of things are sins when you do that. The reason behind this is that by committing to vows in any aspect of our lives, we place ourselves as the authority in that particular area, instead of allowing Jesus to be the ultimate authority. And so when you get into those situations, I know that our first reaction is to want to say that because we get so frustrated and we get so sick and tired of being controlled all the time by somebody. And when it gets to the point, like Michelle was saying, when it gets to that point where you don't feel like you're even in love anymore, you don't feel like you like that person at all, that's when those thoughts start coming in that I'm done with this and I'm cutting out, I'm leaving, I and I'm cutting out, I'm leaving, I don't want no more of this. And that's when those thoughts come along where you say, okay, well, when I get my next relationship, I am not letting someone control me like that ever again, and there's nothing wrong with not letting that happen. But there's a way to do that. You have to keep God in the equation and don't try to take that on on yourself, because pride gets into that point.

Daniel Moore: 32:59

What ends up happening? If you make those vows and you can't keep them? It can become an irritation to you because you made the vow. Now, here we are, going through it all over again and it's being allowed to happen. You're starting to be tread on, you're starting to be walked all over and you're right back where you were before. If you're in another relationship like that and if you're being dominated and it continues to do that, the frustration is going to cause you to take that out eventually on somebody. You're going to take it out on your kids, you're going to take it on your spouse. The fighting and everything is going to continue there. That's why you can't do that on your own, because if you try to do these vows and make them on your own, without God there you're probably you've got a really high chance there of failing actually pulling that off, especially if the other spouse isn't a Christian again, if you know, if you get to an unequally yoked situation, and so you have to be really careful with that and not allow that to happen and make sure that you keep Jesus in the equation with all of that, whether if it's the handing me down from the parents or if it's you trying to make those personal vows within your own self and taking your destiny into your own hands.

Daniel Moore: 34:14

Is there anything else you wanted to add to that section? Mm-mm, okay. The third reason is a distorted concept of male authority. So there's a really good movie called Open Range, a cowboy movie. It's set in the Old West, it's very true, and it's a time period. That is one of the things that is pretty awesome about it. It's not hyped or glamorized in any way.

Daniel Moore: 34:40

But in this movie Kevin Costner is a cow hen named Charlie. He falls in love with Annette Bening's character who is named Sue. She's the sister of the town's doctor. In the movie a deadly dispute is played out between free-range cattlemen played by Robert Duvall and Kevin Costner, and the ruthless landowner and his men who want to kill them and steal their herd. In the midst of the drama and violence, charlie and Sue fall in love. Before their first kiss, charlie asks Sue to marry him and she responds affirmatively with great joy. Not long afterwards, charlie lovingly but firmly gives Sue a directive to ride home on her horse, but she doesn't immediately respond to it. Then, with total sincerity, he says to her Sue, how is this going to work out if you don't do what I tell you? Well, in response, sue laughs it off and complies with Charlie's order. But, as a marriage counselor will tell you, that's going to be a big, huge problem. But, as a marriage counselor will tell you, that's going to be a big, huge problem, even though there have been cultures and time periods where male dominance was the norm, and then older movies like that were a good example of that.

Daniel Moore: 35:44

It's not God's design and it never works. Here is God's design for the proper role of husbands and wives, as explained by Paul in the fifth chapter of Ephesians. We go back to this submitting to one another in the fear of God. Wives submit. Go back to this Now, if you notice, in verse 21 of that passage there in Ephesians 5, husbands and wives are told to submit to one another in the fear of God, and this is the beautiful law of partnership at work.

Daniel Moore: 36:42

Both husbands and wives are directed to defer to each other and to submit to each other, which means to arrange yourself. Under this means, husbands and wives are to humbly serve each other and to cooperate each other in sharing their lives as one. After commanding us to submit to each other, paul gives specific directives to wives how to do so, beginning in verse 22. He then gives the directives to husbands how to do so, beginning in verse 25. And that's how the text is constructed. Everything Paul is saying to husbands and wives is derived from the statement to submit to one another in the fear of God. So, regardless of how this text is constructed, many men through the centuries have only regarded the instructions to the wives to submit to the husbands as their heads.

Daniel Moore: 37:26

It is true that Ephesians 5 commands wives to submit to their husbands as the heads, but it's also true that we are commanded to submit to each other out of reverence to God. So this brings us back to I think it's a true that we are commanded to submit to each other out of reverence to God. So this brings us back to a couple episodes ago where we were talking about the structure of the husband and the spouse according to God's plan and his plan for our marriage, when you have this distorted concept of male authority, because I think we even mentioned at that time in that episode how people, the guys like to take that scripture and say well, the Bible says that you're supposed to submit to me, and so that gets used a lot out of context. They always forget to add the part about the husband and how he's supposed to love his wife like the church, because then that takes the whole power and authority out of that first line. And so when you guys are in this situation, you know you've got to remain in like a Christ-like love, and that's something that every woman desires.

Daniel Moore: 38:26

You know, men are called to nourish and cherish their wives, not dominate and exploit them, and we all probably know somebody that's in that situation right now. And if that is the case, that is not God's way, that is not the plan that he has for a loving husband to be married to an honoring wife. That's how God designed it and it fulfills the deepest marital need in both men and women. When you have that kind of a relationship where you don't have that dominant male aspect going on, that's a win-win situation. That marriage is beautiful at that point. And you know I've never really I mean I've always tried not to dominate Michelle. There's times that we've both been that way toward each other off and on, but that was kind of in the early stages when we were having a lot of issues and that was probably part of our issues for sure, cause we just didn't seem to get on the same page very often. Cause we like to irritate each other, yes, and. But since everything's been fixed, we've come to the realization that it's not all about me.

Michelle Moore: 39:32

Nope.

Daniel Moore: 39:33

Just as much as not all about you, nope, just as much as it's not all about you, nope, it's about us, yeah, and we just have to keep that in mind. So now here's Michelle's favorite part. Number four is pride. A couple got into a huge fight one day while they were driving somewhere, the husband innocently turned left at a stoplight, and his wife immediately sounded off with criticism at his choice. She said what do you mean turning left here? The best way to where we are going is right, not left, and what's that called?

Daniel Moore: 40:04

I'm not saying If you've never seen it before you have to go to YouTube and pull up Tim Hawkins and watch the Helper in the car.

Michelle Moore: 40:14

Not saying.

Daniel Moore: 40:15

I'll never forget the first time I saw that and I think I laughed for two hours straight, probably.

Michelle Moore: 40:20

Not saying.

Daniel Moore: 40:21

Oh my goodness. The husband responded with well, that's your way, but that doesn't mean it's the best way. Well, his wife erupted with anger and said to him what do you mean? It isn't the best way. My way is always the best way, and if you would just listen to me, you wouldn't make such stupid mistakes every time we go somewhere. Well, with those words, he became stone cold and stopped speaking to her. However, she didn't stop the entire way to where they were going. She lectured him as to why her way was best and that he should just listen to her and stop arguing.

Daniel Moore: 40:53

That fight lasted for years. Literally. He refused to agree that her way was the best and went the way he wanted every time he was driving. She never let it pass. Every time he didn't do something her way in or out of the car. It was a fight. Neither of them gave in.

Daniel Moore: 41:10

Finally, years later, after much heartache and some intensive counseling, she admitted that her pride had ruined their marriage. Going back to the day in the car when he turned left and infuriated her, she acknowledged that his comment was true. There was no right or wrong way. There was just his way and her way, and she wasn't willing to admit that any way other than hers could be right, especially when it was his. Well, her admission began a healing in their marriage, but a lot of damage had been done. That one little line says it all, and I really think that we have to realize that a lot of our arguments that we have are stupid if you really look at it. If you really look at it. And it is a pride thing, because when you get to a dominant personality or a dominant attitude, I think that pride does well up inside of you because you think you're in charge, you're the boss. I never really looked at it that way. You haven't looked at it that way.

Michelle Moore: 42:13

I really thought I knew. I mean honestly, I just thought I drove better, so I was trying to help you.

Daniel Moore: 42:20

Well, you do do better.

Michelle Moore: 42:22

Hey, I let you drive past the exit one day, past another exit, and I'm like I'm not saying one word and he was like, oh, but I'm telling you there was at one point. I was like you need to turn light or you need to slow down or whatever, and Dan's like I've got time, like literally we would constantly and thank goodness he was so good with me about it because Well anymore.

Daniel Moore: 42:49

What do I tell you when you do that to me?

Michelle Moore: 42:52

That's the reason why I drive everywhere.

Daniel Moore: 42:55

I ask her if she wants to drive, and I do.

Michelle Moore: 42:58

He'll tell you I do drive quite a bit actually because I'm just like yeah, my way I can go much faster, I can drive better, blah, blah blah. But I guess I really never looked at it as pride, I just thought I knew more than you.

Daniel Moore: 43:11

Yeah, and you always let me you and you always let me. I mean, yeah, I mean, and when she drives I just let her go where she wants. And if we end up off in the woods and the sticks somewhere, we got a GPS to get us back.

Michelle Moore: 43:23

Because you're always looking at your phone. You're not looking at the road or anything else, so you wouldn't know.

Daniel Moore: 43:29

But there is a scripture here, it's 1 Samuel 15, 23. And, believe it or not, rebellion is a sin of witchcraft and stubbornness is iniquity and idolatry. And there's a guy that Jimmy was counseling one time and he was asking how can I get along with my wife when she is always wrong? Well, jimmy told him because of his arrogance, he truly believed his wife was always wrong because she didn't agree with him on everything. Jimmy explained to him the scripture from 1 Samuel 15, 23, and how he worshiped his own opinion. And I think that probably people's never read that scripture and realized that that's what that means. But when you're sitting there dominating someone constantly, just like that argument there that went on for years because he made that wrong turn, in essence it comes down to the point you're just worshiping your opinion because you're all high and mighty and right and nobody else is right and whatever. And so we have to be careful with that because— it's a very good scripture to look at that.

Daniel Moore: 44:27

It is a very good scripture and I've read that many times too and just never really put it into that application either. But you know, repentance is the solution to pride. It involves refraining from seeing oneself as better than one's spouses and others. Pride rationalizes dominance by firmly believing in its own superiority and entitlement to control. It is resentful when others fail to acknowledge our perceived greatness and do not express gratitude for the guidance that we offer. So the antidote to pride is humility, where we diminish our own importance and elevate our spouses until a level playing field is established. And I like how that, if you kind of visualize that. You know, if one spouse is, if you've got the weights there and one spouse is up higher than the other, then you represent that humility until they come up to be equal. And when they're balanced out, that's when things start going well. That's when things come to where you're both on the same playing field and you have to put that pride to the side. So pride's another big one that you have to fight when it comes to those dominating situations, and the fifth and final one is fear and insecurity. When it comes to those dominating situations, and the fifth and final one is fear and insecurity.

Daniel Moore: 45:39

Numerous individuals who exhibit controlling behavior are driven by fear and insecurity. They strive to manipulate their surroundings in order to prevent their fears from materializing and to create a sense of security. It is often the case that those who seek control have been brought up in a tumultuous and distressing environment where control served as a coping mechanism. And here's what Apostle Paul said to the wives in 1 Peter, chapter 3. Do not let your adorning be external the braiding of hair and putting on of gold jewelry or the clothing you wear but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which, in God's sight, is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, and you are her children If you do good and do not fear in anything that is frightening. That's 1 Peter 3, verses 3 through 6.

Daniel Moore: 46:37

Now, if we go way back into the Old Testament again and we look at Abraham and Sarah, she's a good example of this scripture here in Peter, of how a wife is to honor a husband. But there was twice that Abraham lied to heathen kings about Sarah. Abraham lied to them about her being his sister and not his wife. Well, because of that, she was taken into the other men's homes to become their wife. Well then, it took a divine intervention to keep bad things from happening, and her husband is the one who got her into the mess. To begin with, even though Abraham had issues, sarah wasn't controlled by fear. She called him by a title of respect and wouldn't allow fear to compromise her spirit toward him.

Daniel Moore: 47:20

2 Timothy 1.7 says this about fear, for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind. Well, did you notice that fear is referred to as a demon spirit? It says there that God has not given us a spirit of fear. It isn't our emotion, it's the devil's, and it isn't a condition, it's a choice. When fear is acted upon, it causes the worst possible results in any relationship. Controlling dominance is one of them. If you have damage from your childhood or from a previous marriage, the devil will use that as an opportunity to access your. I love that.

Michelle Moore: 48:20

I really like that. Responding by faith makes your dreams come true. Yep, so good.

Daniel Moore: 48:28

And I think that this fear thing probably comes into play really a lot too with that generational curse thing. I would think probably comes into play really a lot too with that generational curse thing. I would think you know, if you've seen that happen through your whole lifetime, I think that those people probably do think at some time that I hope my marriage isn't like that.

Michelle Moore: 48:47

Well, how many times have our kids said we don't want to end up? You know, we hope we don't ever end up in a divorce. You know, they, you know, I mean, I really think about that, you know.

Daniel Moore: 48:59

Yeah, and that can you know us looking at that, we think, well, they just don't need to. It's like you know, put God in your life and don't worry about it. But in their shoes they probably are exercising a real fear of that, because they watched us walk it, yeah, and then they got separated between parents and caused all the stuff that happened with all of that in a blended family, and so it would be real easy to be walking in fear in those situations and then responding to your situations according to that fear and letting it control you, and that can cause a dominating spirit to happen at that point if you're not careful.

Michelle Moore: 49:39

I just keep reading that. When you just read that you were talking about, did you notice? Fear is referred to as a demon spirit. It isn't our emotion, it is the devil's, and it isn't a condition, it is a choice. When fear is acted upon, it causes the worst possible results in any relationship. I don't know that I've ever really and I know I say this a lot, but I don't think I've ever looked at it that way.

Daniel Moore: 50:12

And then the fact that the devil can use that as an opportunity to access your scars.

Daniel Moore: 50:17

I think that's a pretty tough statement too, because a lot of people those are scars that they're carrying around when they have this stuff happen to them, especially at a young age.

Daniel Moore: 50:29

It puts almost a permanent scar there that they carry around with them and it's always in the back of their mind and they try to do anything to cover that up so that it doesn't works on our mind and causes us to kick into mode sometimes those flight modes you know that fight or flight thing. Those scars will cause us to kick over to those flight modes sometimes because we try to run away from that and we don't want those things to be exposed. But Satan knows that and he's going to go in there and do anything he can to nitpick at the things that are the deepest issues that we have in our life that's hidden back in our heart somewhere that we've been trying to cover up. Satan's always trying to expose those and this is a perfect opportunity for him to try to do that, and then that becomes a control factor when that takes place becomes a control factor when that takes place.

Daniel Moore: 51:28

So that's going to be the five steps there on how to work through a dominating relationship. There's way more to it than that. It's way deeper than that, but I think that this at least kind of scratches the surface of that situation and I just hope you know, hopefully with something, that Michelle and I, as we've discussed this here today, it's really not a good thing to have this in your background, but the fact that Michelle has experienced this I'm thankful that she's able to put some applications into this and give you guys some good words of encouragement that she's been through this and has come out of it. So that's living proof that you can win that battle.

Daniel Moore: 52:15

It's not something that has to stay with you your whole life and keep you down, and so just take these simple principles and apply them in your life. Make an application of them, definitely, you know, obviously keeping God in the middle and, above and foremost, in front of you in all of this. And, of course, as we mentioned a couple of times throughout this episode, if it's really deep, it's something that you two just can't work out. You probably just need to get some professional biblical counseling and get a third party in there to try to help mediate this and try to work it out, because nobody deserves to be in a marriage that's controlling like that. That's just not what God created us to be, so is there anything else that you want to add.

Michelle Moore: 52:58

I'm going to read this Okay, on here you put you must also treat fear as an outside entity and not your own emotion. Talk to fear and command it to leave you Remember it's a choice, but never give in to it and don't let your marriage be controlled by it. Responding to fear makes your fears come true. Responding by faith makes your dreams come true. The law of partnership yokes a man and a woman together as equal partners, sharing everything in life in a loving and harmonious relationship. For that to happen, there cannot be dominance or control by either spouse. I encourage you to take this issue seriously and deal with any challenges you may have concerning it. I'm so thankful that Dan loves me because I do tell him how to drive 23 years later.

Daniel Moore: 54:02

You've got to stop.

Michelle Moore: 54:08

And you know what? And you know what. There was a time that we sat in a colored club class next to beverly and brian wisdom, and both brian and daniel were exactly the same colors and beverly and I were the same colors. And we're sitting there chitty chatting and I don't even know how the subject got on to the driving.

Michelle Moore: 54:30

Yeah we, me and Beverly, laughed so hard because we were both that person that liked telling her husbands how to drive, and I can see the personalities between Daniel and Brian that they would just sit there and be like, yep, that's our wife. Sit there and be like, yep, that's our why.

Michelle Moore: 54:46

But you know, for husbands and wives out there, you know, as we were talking about this, remember it is a choice and I'm so thankful for Dan more than I've ever been, and each year passes we get these crazy stories of each other and you can go back and think about our first several years of marriage and I'm probably more emotional today and I'm not really sure why, but I cannot think of what life would be without you and I'm beyond thankful to be your wife and I am so blessed by that and I'm so proud of you in so many ways and I just thank God for you and I'm thankful for that.

Daniel Moore: 55:31

Well, I've been asked several times in my lifetime here in the last few years, I guess just put it here, in the last few years, you know, if I feel like I'm blessed and when I think about everything that I have including, you know, having you to be my wife and the marriage that we have, I always say I'm blessed way more than I deserved and I truly believe that.

Daniel Moore: 55:56

You always hear a lot of guys they'll say we married up and I'm one of those guys that does believe that my wife has changed me along with. You know, work with God, being in the middle of this and everything. She's been a huge aspect in how I've changed, because I wasn't really super dominant, necessarily, but I had a lot of problems and I let those problems control our marriage in a bad way and that caused clashes between us and in a bad way, and that caused clashes between us and so we were both trying to struggle for that grip on control. And you know the pride issue and all those. I can see a lot of these things that we've discussed today.

Michelle Moore: 56:39

I can recall those being in our marriage and I think that's the reason why I'm so emotional is because I just I think about what we've walked.

Daniel Moore: 56:44

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 56:50

And it's just really hard because you know you about. I'm just so glad it's in my past and that we can use this as our testimony. But those were some tough times.

Daniel Moore: 56:55

Yeah, because it's easy to throw in the towel. I mean, we could be another statistic sitting here today saying that there's no way we could ever fix this. We're done and we could have let that be the end of the story. But God had more of a story for us and we are continuing now, creating new chapters and a new book in my opinion.

Daniel Moore: 57:14

We've thrown the old book away, so we started a whole brand new book here, brand new chapters. So, guys, it's possible you may feel like you're in an impossible situation, but with God, nothing is impossible. The Bible specifically tells us that, and it is going to take work on both sides, and I pray that something we've said today will spark that desire inside of you, guys, if you're having issues like this, to correct it and to make sure that it's fixed, and then someday you can be sitting here just like Michelle and I are giving God all the glory. Absolutely. That's what it's all about. Yep, we're going to go ahead and wrap it up for this week. Next week, we're going to be continuing on the law of partnership. We're going to be talking about growing together. There are three steps on how to grow together and, believe it or not, a lot of spouses have a hard time doing this. They like to go their own separate directions and think that that's okay and they should pull the other one along with the rope. But you got to come together at some point and make it all work out. So that's what we're going to talk about next week as we come back.

Daniel Moore: 58:20

Uh, I'm Daniel Moore and thank you guys for listening. I've been sitting here with my, my beautiful wife, michelle, here tonight as we've been going through this episode. This show really wouldn't be possible without you. If you're a fan of the show, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Or if you'd like to help us out, just take a few seconds to give us a five-star click and please subscribe to us on your favorite platform. That way you won't miss any of our episodes. And the links for those are in the show notes. Well, that's all for this week. And those are in the show notes. Well, that's all for this week. And we believe that God's word never fails us. God's word has stood the test of time and through Jesus' death on the cross, he has connected the gap.

Aria: 58:55

You've been listening to Connecting the Gap podcast. In this world, there are many disconnects that cause chaos in our lives. This podcast is birthed from the desire to share hope and restoration of the power of the gospel by being transparent and open in our biblical walk with God. Each week we take a few moments as we navigate God's word and peer into other people's testimonies and encourage each other to connect the gap. We upload a new audio podcast every Thursday and a video version of it on YouTube and Rumble. We are also on the Christian podcasting app Edify. You can subscribe to our podcast on many of the available podcasting platforms, including Apple Podcast, spotify, amazon Music, iheart Radio, tunein Radio and more. We are also available on your Alexa enabled devices. If you would like to contact our ministry for any reason, visit our contact page and send us a message. We hope you are blessed by this ministry. This is a production of Connecting the Gap Ministries.