4 Types of Boundaries in Marriage - 234

What if the secret to a more intimate marriage isn't removing barriers, but creating the right ones? Boundaries might sound like restrictions, but they actually create the safe structure where love, faith, and respect flourish between partners.

This episode breaks down the four essential types of boundaries every marriage needs: emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational. We explore how emotional boundaries allow partners to express feelings without judgment or dismissal—creating space where vulnerability can thrive. You'll discover why saying "you're overreacting" or "that's not a big deal" damages the emotional safety your relationship needs, and how to communicate needs more effectively.

Physical boundaries go beyond just consent (though that remains paramount). We discuss respecting personal space, different comfort levels with physical affection, and appropriate physical interactions with others outside your marriage. The spiritual boundaries section addresses how couples can honor individual faith journeys while growing together, avoiding the manipulation that comes when scripture becomes a weapon or when "God told me" becomes a conversation-ender.

Perhaps most practical are the relational boundaries that protect your marriage from external influences. We tackle opposite-sex friendships, managing in-law relationships (the most requested topic from our marriage series!), and why transparency with passwords and devices builds trust rather than enabling control. You'll hear our personal stories of boundary failures and successes, including how we've learned to handle conflict privately rather than criticizing each other in front of others.

Whether you're newly married or decades in, these biblical principles for boundaries will strengthen your relationship by creating clarity, accountability, and deeper connection. Join us next week as we continue the conversation by addressing common misconceptions about boundaries in marriage.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Boundaries in Marriage
• 5:30 Emotional Boundaries: Respect and Space
• 17:20 Physical Boundaries and Personal Space
• 28:50 Spiritual Boundaries and Individual Faith
• 42:30 Relational Boundaries with Others
• 53:00 Next Steps and Episode Closing

Transcript

Michelle Moore: 0:05

I love to hold hands, I love to be right next to Daniel. I'm more of a touchy-feely I wouldn't say touchy-feely but I like to have you by my side and I love that. And you know, at first you weren't used to that and so now it's just automatic, like we can just get right next to each other and hold hands or something like that.

Michelle Moore: 0:27

And we're more affectionate, but I do think that has to be. You have to understand if a partner is not ready for that and you need to talk to them and meet in the middle. If that's not something they're comfortable with, you need to make sure that you're like hey, give them time, Pray about it.

Daniel Moore: 0:47

This week on Marriage Life and More, we're going to be talking about boundaries in marriage. We'll get back into that right after this. Thank you, welcome to Marriage Life and More. This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies, interviewing people that have stories. I'm Daniel Moore, your host. I have my wife, michelle, sitting over here.

Daniel Moore: 1:43

She's the co-host of the podcast.

Daniel Moore: 1:45

So we're going to do our best to go through this week's episode. If you're not familiar with our show, you can check us out on our website at marriagelifeandmorecom. Our platforms are there YouTube and Rumble links. We're also on the Christian podcasting app, edify, and we're also on your Alexa and Google smart devices. You can also visit us on social at Facebook, instagram and X at ctgaponline. If you're a fan of our show, please subscribe. Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms. Give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcast. We'd be eternally grateful to you guys for doing that Well. As I said, this week and probably next week, we're going to probably stretch this out in two different episodes. We're going to be talking about boundaries in marriage, and I think this is an area that a lot of people struggle sometimes as knowing where to set those boundaries. When is it okay to set boundaries? And we're going to knock some myths out of some of the boundaries this week. So we're going to. We're pretty excited about these episodes and hope that they'll minister to you guys in your situation. So this week we're going to be talking about boundaries in marriage. So boundaries, they are meant to increase love, faith and respect in marriage. They create structure so we're accountable to each other and help resolve conflict quickly instead of letting it escalate.

Daniel Moore: 3:12

Sometimes people are passive in conflict because they're afraid or they feel guilty, but they end up not bringing any truth to the situation and then they in turn enable that behavior. Not bringing up issues is not gracious, because truth without any grace is judgment, but grace without any truth is a license to continue. When you're frustrated, you should bring up your concerns right then, and I think that's why Paul talks about solving conflicts in a timely manner in Ephesians 4.26. This approach is being seen in both grace and truth. When making boundaries, it's good to be specific by saying when you're upset, I would like for you to speak to me in a loving tone. You can still be truthful to me.

Daniel Moore: 3:56

It must be that specific because the other person could say I can't please you, I can't do what you want, but if you can make it specific, then you can have a conversation. You should always end a conflict with a commitment to change, because habits are hard to change. There must be a willingness to talk again and have conversations about how the change is going. Having reasonable accountability and specificness helps make these new habits stick over time. So as we get started into this week's episode, I'm talking about boundaries. I know within our marriage you know we've had a lot of issues in different places at different times in our marriage. We've had some major issues with boundaries because we didn't really approach those correctly and it is an ongoing learning process, I think what was boundaries?

Michelle Moore: 4:44

I don't know, I'm pretty sure I don't think we had any, and I love this, the fact that there's biblical boundaries in marriage.

Daniel Moore: 4:52

Yeah, and so what we're going to do here, as we start off, there's different kinds of boundaries, and I guess what we'll probably need to do first we're going to define those is what we're going to do. And so in marriage there's four different boundaries that we look at. One of those is emotional, one's physical, one's spiritual and one's relational. So right off the bat here we start looking at this, and when we think, well, boundaries aren't that big of an issue, well, really, they encompass every portion of our very being. I mean, we can have boundaries in all different areas that all come together to form that big picture.

Daniel Moore: 5:31

And so what we're going to do here first of all, is we're going to define some of these boundaries so that we can have an understanding exactly what we're talking about here as we talk about these different kinds of boundaries. So the first one is emotional boundaries, and those refer to the healthy limits that a couple sets to protect each other's emotional well-being, and it also ensures mutual respect and promotes a safe and supportive relationship. These boundaries help both partners remain emotionally secure while allowing intimacy and growth. So we're going to break down a few emotional boundaries that might be included in marriage this week, and the first one is respecting individual feelings. Tell us a little bit about that one.

Michelle Moore: 6:14

So allowing each partner to feel and express their emotions without judgment or minimization, avoiding dismissive responses like you're overreacting or that's not a big deal.

Daniel Moore: 6:29

Okay. So within this one here, this one's probably a big one in all reality in a lot of different marriages, because it's real easy and this kind of rolls over to communication even, because sometimes we feel like we can't talk to each other because we're going to get judged or the things that we have to say might be super, you know, you might have something to say that's super important to you, but I may look at it like that's not that big a deal, you know, and I want to minimize it, and so then that makes you the next time when you come back around you're you think twice about wanting to talk to me about that stuff, you know, because is he going to just minimize it again, or is she going to, or is he going to understand that this is something that's important to me? And you know how many times have we gotten into conversations where it got a little heated in the past and you know we basically was, you know, treating each other like, you know, you're just overreacting about this, or you know that's really not that big of a deal. There's bigger things we need to think about, you know, and I think that you know there's times that we've actually, you know, done that in our relationship, and when that stuff happens, really it's two different people on two different planes at that point, and so you have to figure out, as a married couple, how you can come together in unity on these things.

Daniel Moore: 7:53

The things that don't seem big to me I need to change that. The things that you don't think is all that big deal. You know from my side of it. We need to be open to seeing. You know both sides of that equation. The second part of this is protecting emotional space, and that's recognizing when a partner needs time to process feelings or decompress without pressuring them to engage, and that also means not demanding immediate emotional availability when the other person needs space.

Michelle Moore: 8:20

That's hard.

Daniel Moore: 8:21

That's very difficult.

Michelle Moore: 8:23

I, you know I struggled with that. I mean, I I'm a, you know, I think sometimes let's talk about it now, let's talk about it now and you need your time and your space and I pushed you into it, which I think at that point in time you got frustrated with me because it's like I wasn't listening to you. So you have to be careful with that.

Daniel Moore: 8:45

Yeah, and I think that this is probably a spot where a lot of couples have issue is whenever they get to an argument. Or maybe it's not even an argument, maybe you're just upset about something, but you're not ready to talk. And then you have that person that comes along, whether it's your spouse or whoever it may be pushing you.

Daniel Moore: 9:05

Come on?

Daniel Moore: 9:06

What is it? Just talk to me, what is it. You know, yeah, sooner or later you probably need to unload and talk about it, but you're going to have to have that boundary set there when you are ready to do that?

Michelle Moore: 9:15

Yeah, and I think the other person needs to respect that. You know yes.

Daniel Moore: 9:20

In a codependent relationship and this happens a lot where one spouse kind of rules the roost, I guess is the best way to put that you have one spouse that's really overbearing on the other spouse and they take it upon themselves as their responsibility to regulate their other spouse's emotions all the time.

Daniel Moore: 9:40

I believe, that was me. They try to call the shots, you know, and so that's something that you really need to avoid. Try to call the shots, you know, and so that's something that you really need to avoid and we'll talk a little bit more about that later on because each person needs to be their own individual person yes.

Daniel Moore: 9:51

Within themselves. The next one's managing emotional responsibility, and that's taking ownership of your own feelings rather than blaming your spouse for how you feel. You know how many times in conversations we should have those conversations where you know I feel hurt when you did this or you made me feel like this when you said that. You know we've got to be honest with each other and you know, be careful with some of that stuff that takes place. You know when that happens. The next one is healthy communication of needs and limits, and read that one to us.

Michelle Moore: 10:31

Clearly expressing what is emotionally acceptable or not. An example of I need you to speak kindly to me during disagreements, being honest about emotional triggers or sensitivities, while being respectful of your partners.

Daniel Moore: 10:49

So here we have, how healthy communication can take place, and this is something that you and I had to learn over time, because we would go at each other instead of try to work with each other. We would go at each other instead of try to work with each other. And it's in a relationship or in really in any kind of relationship, even if it's not a marriage. If you're not open to carrying on a civil conversation, it's not usually going to go well, right, right.

Daniel Moore: 11:17

You know.

Daniel Moore: 11:17

And so when it comes to these emotional areas in marriage especially, you need to make sure that there's some boundaries set there where you know this does kind of open it up, to where we are a safe space for each other, because I need to be able to say like, if I pop off at you and I say something mean out of the moment, because I'm just not thinking or whatever, then you should be able to have that safe space to come back and say, hey, that hurts me.

Daniel Moore: 11:45

We need to stop this for a moment and talk to each other a little bit more civilly about this, and then that should check my spirit and make me, you know, change the way that I'm coming into this conversation. And that's something that a lot of couples also have issues with, I think, because if one is so adamant that they're right and the other one is wrong and they want to prove their point, then if they're not open to being civil in their discussion because they're trying so hard to push their thought process and the whole situation, it can really escalate that and really create some really bad arguments and some bad fights. So that's another part there of the emotional boundary in marriage that we need to be careful of.

Michelle Moore: 12:27

And I think a lot of times you know, if your partner is speaking to you in a way that you don't want, you need to just stop and just say I know you probably don't mean it this way, but this is how I feel, you know and kind of deactivate that atmosphere of accusing or whatever to where you know. And a lot of times now I mean I look at it, is this conversation good? Is it going to grow us? Did he pop off? How would I respond if it was like? I know this is crazy, but sometimes I think how would I respond if that was god, like you know, would I respond in a loving manner? Would I respond? You know, obviously wouldn't respond in a hateful manner.

Michelle Moore: 13:08

But a lot of times I have to step back and think I mean, sometimes I'm joking Like we had that discussion in the car one day. We, I was joking with Dan, but because of our past it was kind of like a trigger. I mean he's like I know, you mean, and I was like no, you know. But then if I go back and think about it, the emotional side that we went through and everything that could be a trigger, and you know, you're ready to talk that out and I was joking around and it's like you know, sometimes things are meant to be joking around but at the same time, when you're in the heat of the moment, in the emotions, you have to be very, very careful in what you say.

Daniel Moore: 13:47

Yeah, but it's good that we're to the point now where, when that does happen, we know to stop right there and talk it out. I could have just not said nothing and then went the rest of the day just upset because you. And we did go through a time I thought that looked like something when it wasn't.

Michelle Moore: 14:02

Hey, you don't know how much I appreciate that, though, because of all the years we've went through. But I remember also, when you know we had date night, we would go back and I would say, hey, during this period of time like the week from week when we'd have it I'd be like you said this, and I'm not sure exactly what you meant by this, but I've kept that in here, like so let's talk about it and sometimes that's good to do. I mean, I feel like it's great to do. If you can't do it at that moment and that person needs space, bring it back up to make sure that you're both on the same page and that communication is there.

Daniel Moore: 14:41

Yeah, you got to be able to clear your mind.

Michelle Moore: 14:42

Yeah.

Daniel Moore: 14:43

That stuff just builds if you don't, and that's not a good thing to have that sitting inside there and just getting a bigger, bigger monster in the room.

Michelle Moore: 14:50

Especially if you hold grudges.

Daniel Moore: 14:51

Yes, you need to get that out immediately or as soon as possible. Speak it out or pray about it when both of you are emotionally available to each other. The next one is protecting against emotional abuse or manipulation, and this is a big one, I think, in marriages when it comes to emotional boundaries, and it can be this way even with relatives or friends. This one's huge.

Michelle Moore: 15:15

Read the points under that one, setting limits around behaviors like guilt tripping, gaslighting, silent treatment or emotional blackmail, behaviors like guilt tripping, gaslighting, silent treatment or emotional blackmail. Ensuring each partner feels safe to be vulnerable, without fear or manipulation. And I think about this one because I went through that in my first marriage. I'm trying not to cry because today has just been one of those days. When it comes to marriage, my heart is just for it and I've just done nothing but shed tears. But I've been in that situation literally, where, you know, I felt like everything was my fault when it wasn't even my fault and it just tore me down. And I know we have had an episode talking about that, but it's not healthy at all.

Daniel Moore: 15:59

No, and I think one big thing that happens in marriages is we never want to be wrong, we always want to be the one that's right in the conversation, and so a lot of times our very first instinct is to guilt trip, and this happens even with kids.

Michelle Moore: 16:17

I was going to say, when you say guilt trip, that's what I did with our daughter. Like you know, there were things that I know that I did daughter. Like you know, there was things that I know that I did. I look back now and I'm like, oh gosh, you know not a horrible person, but I back then I didn't realize that I was doing what I was doing. But you can do that with your children to make them want to do what you want to do, and that's not. It can mess a child up.

Daniel Moore: 16:43

Yeah, and this is part of being married your family. And so when you're looking at this gaslighting, guilt tripping and the silent treatment or that emotional blackmail, the different things that we can do to each other to be mean and manipulative, that doesn't just speak to you and the spouse that can happen on that can trickle down to your kids, especially in a blended marriage situation. Spouse that can happen on that can trickle down to your kids, especially in a blended marriage situation. That's a huge one that you have to be super careful of and make sure you're not doing that or allowing that to happen. And because it does, it takes that safe space away between you and your partner, your spouse, and it makes that other spouse or even your kids. It makes them vulnerable to have that fear of being manipulated all the time. And you can rewrite somebody's psyche, their emotions. You can rewrite who they really are in their minds when you continually pound them with gaslighting and guilt tripping and all this kind of thing.

Michelle Moore: 17:39

And for listeners, for people who have no idea what gaslighting is, because it took me forever, because somebody said one day I was had a situation where someone accused me of it and I'm like what in the so? What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation of a person, usually over an extended period of time, that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality or memories, and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.

Daniel Moore: 18:22

Yeah. So basically that's much better stated than what I would have been able to put out there. That's a deep, deep definition there. But when somebody believes something and they tell you what they believe, but then you come at them and you speak over them something differently and it goes to the point where you eventually change their thought process on what they believe. But then you come at them and you speak over them something differently and it goes to the point where you eventually change their thought process on what they really thought. That was, whether, if it's a lie or not, you eventually manipulate someone into believing the way that you believe, even though that may not be the correct way of believing. They call that gaslighting whenever that takes place. Now there's a lot of people to throw gaslighting around when it's not truly gaslighting, that's the situation that we had.

Daniel Moore: 19:06

They think they know what that means, but there's times that that's used that that's not really the case.

Michelle Moore: 19:11

And who knew that would even be a word? I mean, my goodness. We've never heard that word until what? Two years ago? Like what in the? What in the?

Daniel Moore: 19:18

world, so they're always coming up with new things. It's very interesting, it's ridiculous. And then the last one here on emotional boundaries is prioritizing emotional honesty and integrity. So another boundary that we can put in place in marriage emotionally is by being open about what you're feeling, rather than bottling up or hiding emotions to avoid conflict, and then choosing honesty over passive aggression or emotional withdrawal.

Daniel Moore: 19:42

This was my problem. I did not want to have conflict with you, so I chose not to say things and did not communicate with you, because I knew that if I didn't say nothing, we wouldn't have the argument, we wouldn't have the discussion, I wouldn't hear things I didn't want to hear and I would just withdraw. I mean this whole thing right. Here is a description of who I was at the beginning of our marriage and of course, some of that was in place because of emotional baggage I had coming out of my first marriage because of things that were not resolved from back. Then I carried that over into our marriage and then I allowed that to start happening again until I took control over that and we went through everything that we did to almost getting a divorce and really me opening up my reality of where I'm at in this relationship.

Michelle Moore: 20:28

Well and I think that goes on my part too, of being like, let's talk about it, just pushing things. I mean, I think both of us had that, like that issue. Yours wasn't, yours was specifically this, but mine was one of the other ones. And you know, communicating in a healthy manner is not like fucking you to get it out. And like you know and I think this comes back to your relationship with christ, you know, if you have a healthy relationship with christ, your marriage should exemplify that within your marriage. You know, if your relationship with God is like that, because you talk to God, you know, talk to your spouse, like you know he's your best friend and you guys are one, you remember.

Daniel Moore: 21:10

Yeah, so we need to make sure that when we do have these communications, that we don't hold things back and it takes a special place in your relationship to make that happen. Yeah, but that's the part of the relationship that needs to be nurtured in marriage. So the next one here is physical boundaries in marriage, and these involve respecting each other's personal space, comfort levels and bodily autonomy, even within the intimacy of a committed relationship. When you have these boundaries in place, they help foster trust, safety and mutual respect. So the first one here is personal space. One spouse may need alone time in a certain room to rest, pray or decompress. The other spouse respects that without interruption. So we talked a little bit about this, I think, in our last episode about how spouses should like to do the same things. That was a myth, that we busted last week?

Michelle Moore: 22:11

Definitely not true.

Daniel Moore: 22:15

You know, there's times that you might need to be taking a nap where I'm just full of life and ready to go ride bikes or hike or whatever. That's not really true.

Michelle Moore: 22:27

He does not do that. That's just an example. That's too much exertion for me, but there may be times, you know that you need to go off in prayer.

Daniel Moore: 22:36

I need to go off in or just some decompression time, and that's not a time to be physically busting in on somebody and physically changing the whole situation. No, we're going to do this. You know you don't need that time.

Michelle Moore: 22:47

I like your example, though Asking before entering the bathroom or bedroom if the door is closed.

Daniel Moore: 22:54

Yeah, and you know we've done that because, if you remember, there was times you know there's been times in our marriage where you've had some emotional stuff going on I guess is the best way to put this and you would go off to the room and close the door and then I would give you a little bit of time. Then I'd finally come up and say, hey, you know, can I come in? You know, come and talk to you. So that's kind of where that heads. You've got to be aware of your spouse's emotional state, what's going on in their life at that moment. And you know, just because you're married doesn't give you license just to bust in on them every time you think you feel like it, when they're going through something. You need to give them that time.

Michelle Moore: 23:34

And I think that for us, that's mostly for me, because you know, when you say emotional stuff I'm a female, so you know there's. I mean, I went through a time when my dad was murdered. I really had to take a lot of time, you know, to myself to figure things out.

Daniel Moore: 23:52

The second one is physical affection and intimacy. So read us that one.

Michelle Moore: 23:55

One spouse may not be comfortable with certain kinds of touch in public, such as kissing or long hugs. The other honors that preference. The example is discussing and agreeing on how and when physical intimacy happens, ensuring it's always mutual and never forced, even in marriage, and this is one thing that Dan and I we had to work on to ourselves. You know, I love to hold hands, I love to be right next to Daniel. I'm more of a touchy-feely I wouldn't say touchy-feely, but I like to have you by my side and I love that. And you know, at first you weren't used to that and so now it's just automatic. We just get right next to each other and hold hands or something like that, and we're more affectionate. But I do think that has to be. You have to understand if a partner is not ready for that and you need to talk to them and meet in the middle If that's not something they're comfortable with. You need to make sure that you're like hey, give them time, pray about it, you know.

Daniel Moore: 25:02

Yeah, yeah. It's something that some people just don't like to. They don't want people in their personal space sometimes.

Michelle Moore: 25:12

I don't like you in my face, am I right? Yeah, there's certain things. There's things like stay out of my face. I don't like it.

Daniel Moore: 25:17

There's definitely boundaries that needs to be in place there.

Michelle Moore: 25:21

Respect each other Right.

Daniel Moore: 25:23

Yeah. So the next couple here in physical boundaries is consent and comfort. Even in marriage, consent matters. One spouse may say I'm not in the mood for physical affection right now and the other respects that without guilt tripping yeah. So that kind of goes with this last one a little bit. So you know there's times that things are okay and times that things aren't okay, right, and make sure that you're, you know, aware of that and you respect that absolutely. The next one is appearance and body autonomy, where one spouse doesn't pressure the other to dress or look a certain way, recognizing that that their body is their own.

Michelle Moore: 25:59

So sorry hon, I like to dress you.

Daniel Moore: 26:03

But I don't mind that either.

Michelle Moore: 26:05

I'm reading that and I'm like is that really? I think that's toward me, you know.

Daniel Moore: 26:10

She's got the fashion thing and I don't, and I acknowledge that. So it's jeans and t-shirt, shorts and T-shirt for me.

Michelle Moore: 26:20

And he'll come out and I'm like it doesn't match. He's like what do you mean? Black on black? And I'm like no, it does not go together.

Daniel Moore: 26:27

Yeah, so I just, you know, let her dress me sometimes no big deal.

Michelle Moore: 26:32

Now I know why that one's in there, yeah.

Daniel Moore: 26:36

The next one is respecting boundaries with others and that's agreeing on what physical closeness with people outside the marriage, such as friends, coworkers et cetera, is appropriate, like hugging, touching or being alone with the opposite sex, and setting boundaries around those who enter your shared space. You know, like family staying over how long guests can visit things like that so that's another one there in physical. And you know, like family staying over how long guests can visit things like that so that's another one there in physical. And you know there's those people that are opposite sex friends that might not be super close friends but they just love to touch and hug everybody that they walk by.

Daniel Moore: 27:11

And people like that make me uncomfortable because they want to come up and they're talking, they're rubbing your back and they're patting you on the shoulder. You know it's like I've got. You know you're standing over, close to me and it's like this is not. This is awkward. You know it's like. You know people like that get into my space. Yes, but some people are OK with that kind of interaction with people that are friends and the spouses don't think nothing about it, but you just need to know where those boundaries are.

Daniel Moore: 27:36

Yeah, and make sure that there's no issue there going on.

Michelle Moore: 27:38

And it's funny because that's happened before and I can see Dan's face and it's like he's so, like this, is so awkward, and I'm over there just dying laughing because it's bothering him. And you know that person has no idea and he's just like what do we do? And his eyes are just I'm slowly walking sideways. Get your hand off of me Note to self if you ever see, daniel, I'm telling you guys, just go up and just tap him on the shoulder and just start running.

Daniel Moore: 28:07

Oh yeah, exactly Don't take her advice, the last one here in physical is handling conflict physically, and of course we know what that means Physical intimidation, blocking doorways, throwing stuff during arguments, picking your spouse up, throwing them at the wall. You know all that bad stuff that happens when fights take place.

Michelle Moore: 28:29

It's not healthy.

Daniel Moore: 28:30

It's not a healthy way to be, and especially you've got kids sitting there watching it, it makes it even worse. So the next one is spiritual boundaries, and each spouse maintains a personal relationship with God while also growing together spiritually. They involve respecting differences in beliefs, practices and spiritual pace, and ensuring that spiritual leadership or influence is not used to control or manipulate, and so the first couple here is respecting individuals walks with God, and so this may encompass something like one spouse prefers quiet time with God in the morning, while the other connects more during the evening, and they support each other's rhythms rather than forcing a shared routine, and you and I that is so an example that I get up around 530 each morning during the week to do some Bible reading and she gets up every once in a while but more often than not she does anything that she does more in the evenings and that kind of thing.

Daniel Moore: 29:33

That's when she functions better and see, I don't function as well in the evening. I feel like that if I get up early in the morning, that it's quieter and I can just retain things better as I read where. You're opposite of that, but we don't argue and fight over that.

Michelle Moore: 29:47

No, and I guess this is, you know, something that's bothered me, because I've always heard start your day with God, you know, start your day with Bible reading and stuff like that. And you know, know, I do pray in the morning but I don't start in my bible, and you know, sometimes that can really it bothers me, but you've, you know, you've always been good about assuring me that. Hey, you know you're different than me. This isn't the best way you learn and but for some of those people that really think, okay, this needs to be this way, just remember, your walk with God is your walk with God.

Daniel Moore: 30:26

Right, yeah, make sure that, regardless of what you both think about it, or what society may try to tell you, what culture may try to tell you the things that you do, that actually helps you grow in God and move forward in your walk with God. If something's working, just stick with it. Don't worry if it's in the morning or if it's in the evening, afternoon, it does not matter. The important thing is that you're carrying on the relationship with God like you should be, and you're growing.

Michelle Moore: 30:52

And I like the fact in the evening we both have books. When we go to bed, we both really we sit down and we just like read our books. Like you have a marriage book and I have a Christian book, and so we're just kind of taking our individual time and if I want to sleep, I sleep, if you want to, you know vice versa. And so we always respect each other when but I, I don't think we did when the very beginning of our marriage. I mean, this has come a long ways for us.

Daniel Moore: 31:18

Yeah, it has, and it's just things you learn as you go along. But it's best if you put it into play at the beginning.

Michelle Moore: 31:24

Yes.

Daniel Moore: 31:25

Just give each other their space when it comes to their God time and their quiet time.

Michelle Moore: 31:30

This is a good one.

Daniel Moore: 31:31

The next one is honoring differences in spiritual maturity and beliefs. Tell us about that one.

Michelle Moore: 31:36

One spouse is more spiritually mature or involved in a church leadership, but doesn't belittle or pressure the other to catch up. He put an example in this If spouses are from different denominations, they agree on core values while giving space for minor differences in expression or worship, and this is a really good one.

Daniel Moore: 31:58

I've got experience, yes, in this one.

Michelle Moore: 32:00

Yes, in both areas.

Daniel Moore: 32:09

Yes, like for both examples, I mean I think this is really good. Yeah, so you're going to have the spouse that when you go to church, that one's going to feel more led to serve in multiple areas where sometimes not all the time, the other spouse may only want to do one you know, like me, I'm only in one spot and and so well, you're in a couple actually I am, but we do marriage ministry?

Michelle Moore: 32:28

as well at church.

Daniel Moore: 32:30

But I do two, I guess, plus the marriage. So I do one more than what you do, but I don't ride you about that, or you don't ride me about that.

Michelle Moore: 32:42

I did, I'd punch you.

Daniel Moore: 32:44

Yeah, it's, you have to allow people. Some people are they just, they do well at serving, and others it's a stretch for them to do serving for whatever reasons.

Michelle Moore: 32:54

And Well, even having a deeper relationship with Christ, you know to where, like, if you are deeper in Christ than where I am. Yeah, you're not getting upset at me, you're letting me have my walk with God.

Daniel Moore: 33:08

Not pressure to catch up.

Michelle Moore: 33:10

Yeah, I really like that. That's really really good.

Daniel Moore: 33:13

Well, some I think some people can study the Bible well and they can really retain a lot from it where others struggle.

Michelle Moore: 33:20

That would be me.

Daniel Moore: 33:21

And you know there's no reason for you know I'm thankful for the gift God has given me and but I'm also thankful that he's gave me a good godly spouse like you, that, even though you may not get into that as deep as I do, or you know, you always tell me, like you can't, you don't retain that as easily, or whatever I have to write everything down.

Daniel Moore: 33:41

You have to write everything down. I respect that. You know I this isn't a hill to die on. Just be thankful your spouse is interested in God and wants to have a godly marriage, like you do, and wants to go to church with you, and you know, just be thankful that you cause. There's people out the other side of this where, if you're in different denominations I was actually in that with my first marriage and it didn't work and so you have to be careful with you. You get into the unequally yoked thing where it it can't fix itself.

Michelle Moore: 34:12

You guys didn't even have the same core values.

Daniel Moore: 34:14

They weren't. They were completely different, and so you have to be careful with who you mix and mingle yourself with, because if you get into something expecting it to be long term, it may not be because your differences are so bad that you can't.

Daniel Moore: 34:27

You can't have it anymore, and that's pretty much what happened with us. Our, our church lives were so different, because of the denominations that we were in, that we could not come to an agreement and it ended up pulling us both out of church. And so you don't want that to happen, and so you have to respect each other's spiritual maturity and belief differences within your marriages. There's just no way around that. The next one is avoiding spiritual manipulation, and I've seen this happen quite a few times where spouses let those scriptures at their other spouse to try to control their behavior. And we do this to our kids too. When you have kids in the family, this is something else that happens quite often.

Daniel Moore: 35:09

But you'll see spouses misquoting submit to your husband, you know, to silence disagreements or whatever. There's a lot of that's just one example, but there's a lot of you know marriages out there where the husbands are very dominating in the relationship and in order to justify what they're doing, they'll use scriptures like this to stay in domination, when that's not really what God meant. God meant for me and you to be equals. Yes, the husband is the head of the home, but that does not give me the license to throw at you. You know, when you do something that I don't appreciate or whatever, hey, the Bible says you submit to me, so you're going to do what I tell you to do. That's not what that means, you know what I'd tell you?

Daniel Moore: 35:52

You'd tell me to go jump in the lake.

Michelle Moore: 35:54

No, I'd tell you I'd punch you.

Daniel Moore: 35:56

After yeah, and then tell me to go jump in the lake. No, I wouldn't, I just forget she's got to be violent first and then she gets reactive.

Michelle Moore: 36:05

I like that punch in the face thing, and I've never punched him in the face, just saying no, she hasn't.

Daniel Moore: 36:12

But this is not a good thing to do.

Michelle Moore: 36:14

No.

Daniel Moore: 36:15

As far as taking scripture out of context and misquoting Scripture just to get your agenda within your relationship.

Michelle Moore: 36:23

And did you say the next example? Okay, go ahead, I like this one.

Daniel Moore: 36:28

The next one here in avoiding spiritual manipulation is not declaring.

Daniel Moore: 36:31

God told me we have to do this in a way that shuts down honest discussion or mutual decision making. That shuts down honest discussion or mutual decision-making because you and I both know that sometimes, regardless of how close we are to God and how much we go to church and how much we read our Bible, there's times that I might make a decision on something, or you might make a decision on something that me or you see differently, and so we have to step back for a minute and say okay, so is there more of me in this equation than God? Right, right, or is God really in this?

Michelle Moore: 37:05

And correct me if I'm wrong, and maybe this is something I'm just thinking in my head is if God told you to do something, if you have a relationship with Christ, wouldn't your wife kind of somewhat feel that way? There should be an agreement.

Daniel Moore: 37:22

When you have words from the Lord like that, it's good to have confirmation from other places and whether if that is your spouse or if it's just it can be from anything really, you could open the Bible or your scripture and it confirm what you feel in your spirit.

Daniel Moore: 37:36

Or a friend could say something, hear a message, you know sermon on the internet and it confirms that there's just different ways. But definitely if you're married, then your spouse probably needs to be the first one you need to bounce that off of, because if they're in tune with Christ and they have good discernment, then you should value what they have to say over this decision that you're making, because you think God told you to do that. After all, if I say that God told me to do something, who's going to get drug into that? Eventually you. So we have to make sure that both of us are on the same page with that and we both pray that through and we both have a piece, especially if it's a big decision, and we have to make sure that we both have peace in that and I remember I think it was Pastor Jimmy Evans he would talk about Karen, you know.

Michelle Moore: 38:22

He'd pray about stuff and he felt one way and then Karen would be praying and she'd come to him and say something and he'd be like, oh wow, yeah, she's right, you know, and I really like that and I mean I appreciate the just transparency that he spoke that, because it's like sometimes, you know whether it vice versa, you have to listen to that spouse and that open communication and the honest stuff has to be there in order for you guys to talk about that and don't just say God told me to do this. You know it needs to be prayed about as a couple, as one.

Daniel Moore: 38:58

Yeah, Don't over-spiritualize it. Yeah, you know, if you're in a discussion and you're getting tired of you know, if you're mentioning this to your spouse and your spouse keeps coming back with all the reasons you shouldn't be doing this and you're just you're getting exhausted in the communication and whatever you know, just don't go to this just to shut the conversation down. Well, God told me to do this and we're done Not talking about it anymore and that's not the way to handle that discussion.

Michelle Moore: 39:24

I always get nervous about when I think that, because I'm like okay, dan, can you pray with me about this? Because this is the way I feel and I mean, you know, I feel like God is speaking to me like this, and could you pray with me? And you know, trying to read through scripture and everything, and it is, it has that confirmation, you know.

Daniel Moore: 39:43

So the fourth one here on spiritual boundaries in marriage is personal versus shared spiritual practices. So here one spouse may want to fast or attend a retreat, the other supports it but doesn't feel obligated to join unless they feel personally led. The other example is one partner may journal their prayers or enjoy solitude with God, and that space is respected without invasion or judgment. And this was a big one, because there are times where I know for myself. When I grew up I always thought that, you know, of course we do our churchwide fast and we always have one or two of those per year at our church, and so at that point in time of course everybody that Phil's led to jumps on that bandwagon and goes ahead and does the fast. You know corporately.

Daniel Moore: 40:35

But there are times, even in marriages, where just individually, you may have something going on in your life that God speaks to you and say you know, let's fast and pray about this for a week or so, but your spouse may not have that same inclination you know, so that doesn't mean you don't do it, because if God's telling you to do a fast and to pray about something, you probably need to listen, because there's probably something going on there that needs to be taken care of in the long run, and that's what it's going to take.

Daniel Moore: 41:02

But the other spouse, if they don't feel led to be doing that fast with you, then they shouldn't feel forced to join that, because then they're not going to get nothing out of it. Because you go into a fast and you go into a time of prayer expecting that's the whole reason that you do that fast and pray You're expecting some answers, you're expecting some changes, you're expecting God to move in a mighty way. Well, if your spouse doesn't have that going on in their mind frame right at that moment, then they're just going along with you, along for the ride. They're not really getting anything out of that.

Daniel Moore: 41:33

And so don't force each other to participate in those things. Now, if you both feel led, go for it, you know. And then journaling is the same way. Michelle likes to journal more than I do.

Michelle Moore: 41:46

And I've actually I do, but I mean I think mostly now more since the Abide class. You know, listen to it and on the podcast Rise Up podcast you know they've had their classes on there and it's very. It helps you understand the Bible a lot more, and so I'm very thankful for that.

Daniel Moore: 42:08

Yeah, and then a couple more here on spiritual boundaries. The first one is church and ministry involvement, that's agreeing on how much time to commit to church service or ministry to avoid burnout or neglect of the family, and that's a big one. Yes burnout or neglect of the family, and that's a big one.

Daniel Moore: 42:24

Yes, if one spouse doesn't feel called to a certain ministry or role, the other doesn't force participation out of guilt or image management, and a good example of that would be well, the wife wants to serve in kids, so she drags her husband in there. Or the husband wants to serve in youth and drags the wife in there. And for a while I was on the prayer team at church. I wanted you to come down there and be part of that prayer team with me for the longest time, but you wouldn't. That's not what God called you to do, and so I went ahead and done what I felt like God wanted me to do for that season.

Daniel Moore: 42:51

And you've done something differently, but I never did put a guilt trip on you to get you down there.

Daniel Moore: 42:57

So that's kind of that part of that one. And then the last one here, on spiritual boundaries, is leading and submitting with love and mutual respect, and that's where a husband we're called to spiritual leadership in the home, but at the same time we talked about this just a while ago I seek your input and I value your spiritual insight rather than ruling over you. And then a wife who is strong in faith encourages her husband's growth gently, not by comparison or criticism, and that's another good one, because again that comes back to where you're misquoting things or you're gaslighting. I guess you could say You're manipulating by criticizing and trying to get your agenda in place by doing that and closing up this week's episode.

Daniel Moore: 43:50

The last one is relational boundaries in marriage, and these are guidelines that couples set to protect the health, trust and exclusivity of their relationship, especially in how they interact with others, such as friends, families, co-workers and with each other. So these boundaries help prevent emotional entanglements, unhealthy attachments and external interference in the marriage. So the first one here is opposite sex friendships, and it's probably the first one for a reason. This is a big one A spouse chooses not to have close one-on-one friendships with members of the opposite sex unless their spouse is present or aware, to avoid emotional affairs or suspicion. And then along with that is sharing text or conversations with transparency and not secrecy, especially when it involves someone who could be a potential temptation. So that's a big relational boundary that we all need to have in place in our marriages, and we did a full episode on that last fall in our marriage series. The next one is prioritizing the marriage over extended family. So give us that one.

Michelle Moore: 44:53

This one's hard.

Daniel Moore: 44:55

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 44:56

A spouse sets a boundary with their parents by saying we'll discuss this as a couple and get back to you, instead of letting family make decisions for your marriage. We're protecting your spouse from disrespect by family members and not allowing in-laws to meddle in private marital issues.

Daniel Moore: 45:15

So, yeah, we've got an episode on that also, and actually that was actually the most popular episode in our marriage series. That was the one where we talked about ditching your parents it's, it's, it's hard it's a hard one especially, I think more for females.

Michelle Moore: 45:34

but then again there are times that boys are mama's boys and I can see where they would, you know, if they talk to their mom and the mom says something, then they take it back to the spouse. Or you know, even, as you know, myself I don't I mean I'm not now I don't listen to my parents, or I mean my mom, I do listen to her. Let me that's. That sounds so disrespectful. I do listen to her and I take heart, but we don't really discuss our marriage stuff or anything like that. I mean, occasionally we will, but you know, I think she's learned over the years we're going to do what we want to do and she trusts us that you know God's leading us in the right direction. But back when we first got married, I mean that was tough, you know they didn't like you, I mean I think tough.

Michelle Moore: 46:22

You know they didn't like you. Yeah, I mean, I think they liked you, but they didn't like you.

Daniel Moore: 46:25

Yeah.

Michelle Moore: 46:25

They didn't like the way.

Daniel Moore: 46:26

I did certain things and got me a nickname Sergeant Dan. Sergeant Dan, yeah.

Michelle Moore: 46:33

But you know, looking back at it, our relationship wasn't healthy and you know, your relationship with the kids was not handled appropriately either. I mean, there were so many things that were wrong and you know, and I'm so thankful for forgiveness because you know we went to our children, we've asked for forgiveness, you know, and you know my dad's not here, but I know no fact he loved you so much and my mom loves you, I mean and I look at it now things are so different, but people need to make sure that they set their boundaries with the parents.

Michelle Moore: 47:08

You know your parents don't rule you. You and your spouse come together and make decisions for God and you know it's not you, your husband or you. You know your wife and your husband, whatever and your parents. Yeah, it are you, your parents. Yeah, it's either you and me.

Daniel Moore: 47:26

Yeah, we always come back to that scripture in Genesis where the man cleaves to his wife, leaves his parents and they become one. They don't become four. So make sure you shed the other two off. That's biblical. I love it. That's not, you know, overusing a scripture in a wrong form or fashion. That's actually using it the way it should be.

Michelle Moore: 47:46

So yeah, so good.

Daniel Moore: 47:48

They're there for support, if needed, for some help, you know, during some bad times, some good examples they can give you or whatever.

Michelle Moore: 47:58

Well, if I go back to the podcast that we did with Scotty and Vicki, vicki will talk about her father and how he talked to her, about Scotty, you know, and he was a praying man and so you know sometimes that advice from your parents, because you know they're godly parents you have to step back and pray about it and listen.

Daniel Moore: 48:18

Yeah. The next one is handling friendships when it comes to relationship boundaries, limiting time with friends who are bad influences on the marriage, such as those who encourage gossip, negativity about spouses or unfaithfulness, and avoid venting about your spouse to friends, especially of the opposite sex, which can lead to emotional disconnection from your marriage. So that one there's pretty self-explanatory. You know, whoever you run around, you're going to end up being like.

Michelle Moore: 48:45

So thankful for godly friendships.

Daniel Moore: 48:47

Yes, you've got to make sure you keep those friendships within your marriages and individually. Both Make sure those are good friendships.

Michelle Moore: 48:54

They encourage you, you know.

Daniel Moore: 48:56

Yeah, that negativity and all that other stuff needs to not even be a part of your relationship. And then protecting time together. That's setting boundaries around work hours, social events or digital devices so quality time as a couple isn't consistently neglected. And then also turning down social limitations if they conflict with planned date nights or family time.

Michelle Moore: 49:16

That's really hard.

Daniel Moore: 49:18

It is.

Michelle Moore: 49:18

It is, I think that's even you know, sometimes just for you, and I, I mean, I feel I've told him this morning, I'm like it's go, go, go go, it's non-stop, and he's like it keeps us young and I'm like it exhausted me. You know, it's like you know, but we love it, you know, and it's you do have to protect that and you know, making sure that we still have time together.

Daniel Moore: 49:43

Yeah, the next one here is social media and online boundaries, and that kind of goes along with this last one that we just went through Agreeing not to post about marital struggles or arguments online. That's something that some people really like to do Air their baggage out there for the whole world to see, instead of fixing it internally first and not posting none of that stuff, and then being open with passwords or social activity to foster trust, while still respecting privacy and not secrecy. And I'm telling you this is a big one. People may disagree with me on this, but I think that when you have passwords on your devices, your spouse should know what they are.

Michelle Moore: 50:20

Absolutely.

Daniel Moore: 50:21

I do not think there's any excuse whatsoever at any given moment or time where your spouse should not be allowed to know what those passwords are, unless those devices are work-related, because I know sometimes where you work. If they give you a phone or something like that, they may not want other people to know that stuff for the integrity of the company. So then you're going to have to use some discretion at that point, of course, and of course a lot of times those companies have things on those devices anyway to see if you're doing what you're doing.

Daniel Moore: 50:54

So I can. I understand if that's a situation because that is true, that that happens. But if it's your personal devices, your personal, you know chat rooms, whatever you get into these days, you know your social media and all that. Your spouse should know what those passwords are. That's just part of being open with each other and not fostering any of those bad thoughts and those. You know what's going on. You know, is there something hiding? They're hiding behind my back For some reason. I can't have this password. It just opens up that door and then problems start happening.

Daniel Moore: 51:29

So next one is conflict and privacy boundaries, and that's agreeing not to argue or criticize one another in front of others, especially children, friends or family, keeping certain disagreements private instead of sharing them with outsiders, unless you're seeking trusted counsel or therapy, and I think you and I have always done really well with that, even whenever we were having our problems, our kids didn't really know until you were moving out. I mean, whether that was right or wrong, who knows? But they definitely. You know we didn't let them see a lot of that stuff that was going on behind closed doors. Now you did have friends that you spoke to and I did too about those things that we shouldn't have. But as far as just openly criticizing just to everybody and that kind of thing, that's just not something you should do. And then the last one, I share that one with us emotional intimacy boundaries.

Michelle Moore: 52:21

Not seeking emotional support or deep connection from someone outside the marriage. That should be reserved for your spouse. Or telling a friend or co-worker I'm not comfortable talking about that. Those are things I only share with my spouse. Yeah, I really like that because we both I mean, we've both been through that, but I do feel like that it should be only shared with your spouse.

Daniel Moore: 52:47

Yeah, yeah, there's certain things that just shouldn't be common knowledge and it's things that need to be kept between the two of you and when you can actually make that happen, then it sets up that point of trust and it sets up that safe space where you know that the both of you can talk about things and not get out there to people that shouldn't be, you know, talking about it or knowing about it.

Daniel Moore: 53:12

So that's the definition of boundaries and why we want to talk about boundaries in marriage, and that's emotional, physical, spiritual and relational. So next week on this podcast, we're going to get back into this boundary discussion and we're going to talk about misconceptions about boundaries and, believe it or not, there's a lot of things out there that people think about boundaries that aren't really true. They have their reasons for thinking why boundaries are put into place when really that's not why they're put into place. So we're going to debunk some of that next week and get a little bit deeper into this discussion on biblical boundaries in marriage. But that's going to be all for this week and just make sure that you subscribe so that you don't miss that episode. I'm Daniel Moore and my wife, Michelle, has been sitting here, with you this week.

Daniel Moore: 53:57

Thank you, guys, for listening. This show wouldn't be possible without you. If you're a fan of the show, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, or if you'd like to help us with just a few seconds to give us a five-star click, and please subscribe to your favorite platform, and the links for those are in the show notes. Well, that's all for this week, and we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode. This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray you have a blessed week.

Aria: 54:24

You've been listening to Connecting the Gap podcast. In this world, there are many disconnects that cause chaos in our lives. This podcast is birthed from the desire to share hope and restoration of the power of the gospel by being transparent and open in our biblical walk with God. Each week, we take a few moments as we navigate God's Word and peer into other people's testimonies and encourage each other to connect the gap. We upload a new audio podcast every Thursday and a video version of it on YouTube and Rumble. We are also on the Christian podcasting app Edify. You can subscribe to our podcast on many of the available podcasting platforms, including Apple Podcast, spotify, amazon Music, iheart Radio, tunein Radio and more. We are also available on your Alexa-enabled devices. If you would like to contact our ministry for any reason, visit our contact page and send us a message. We hope you are blessed by this ministry. This is a production of Connecting the Gap Ministries.