Marriage Life and More

Communication in Marriage - 4 Significant Conversations Pt 2 (Marriage Reset Series) - 261

• Daniel and Michelle Moore • Episode 261

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The difference between marriages that thrive and those that merely survive often comes down to one critical element: the quality of communication between partners. In this episode, we unpack why so many couples get stuck in patterns of surface-level interaction that leave them feeling more like roommates than soulmates.

We've all experienced those days when conversation with our spouse revolves solely around scheduling pickups, discussing bills, or solving household problems. While these practical exchanges are necessary, they're not sufficient for building true intimacy. Research shows most married couples spend less than five minutes daily engaged in meaningful dialogue, despite studies confirming that deeper conversations actually make us happier.

The missing ingredient in most marriages? What we call "life-giving conversations" – intentional dialogue that explores each other's inner worlds, hopes, dreams, and fears. Unlike small talk, logistical discussions, and problem-solving (which happen naturally), these deeper exchanges require deliberate effort. This explains why they're often the first casualty of busy schedules and overwhelming responsibilities.

We explore the fascinating differences in how men and women typically approach emotional conversations. For many husbands, direct questions about feelings can lead to one-word answers and communication dead-ends. Yet when asked about "the high and low of your day" or "what's currently causing stress," the same man might open up completely. Understanding your spouse's unique conversation triggers is key to unlocking meaningful dialogue.

The "10-minute rule" offers a practical solution: couples who dedicate just ten minutes daily to substantive conversation report significantly higher relationship satisfaction. We share specific questions that spark these exchanges, practical tips for finding time in even the busiest schedules, and real-life examples of how these conversations transform relationships.

Whether you're newly married or celebrating decades together, implementing these communication strategies will help you experience the joy of continuously rediscovering each other. After all, God designed marriage as a partnership where both spouses help each other become the person He intended them to be – and that journey of discovery never ends.



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Michelle Moore:

and I think sometimes when you have these conversations, not everything's fixed at that point. Right, you know you need to talk those things through and if there is no resolution, you need to come back and say, okay, we need, we need to pray about this. You know, and I know I bring up prayer a lot and go into the Father. But I'm telling you guys, his guidance, the way he leads us, you won't be disappointed, because sometimes it's not a fix right then and there.

Daniel Moore:

This week on Marriage Life More. We continue episode four, which we started last week, which dealt with communication in our series on marriage reset. We'll be getting back into that right after this. Welcome to Marriage Life and More. This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies, and we interview people that have inspiring stories. I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and, as usual over here, I have my co-host, my beautiful wife Michelle.

Michelle Moore:

Hey, hey.

Daniel Moore:

And I want to thank you guys for joining us this week. If you're not familiar with our show, you can check out our website at www. marriagelifeandmore. com. Our platforms, YouTube and Rumble links are there. We're also on the Christian podcasting app, Edify, and we're on your smart devices your Alexa and Google smart devices. You can also visit us on social on Facebook, Instagram and X at ctgaponline.

Daniel Moore:

If you're a fan of our show, please subscribe. Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms, Give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcast, and we'd be grateful to you for doing that. Well, as we mentioned here in the intro, we are going to continue our series this week on Marriage Reset from roommates to soulmates in your marriage and we're in episode four and we're going to be doing part two of that episode this week and wrapping that up this week. We're continuing with communication in marriage for significant conversations. Well, welcome back to the podcast this week. Last week, we started off talking about how communication can involve so many things and, as Michelle and I was discussing that, we've determined that it's more than just talk.

Michelle Moore:

Yes.

Daniel Moore:

Right, yep, that we've determined that it's more than just talk. Right, that there's different ways that you can have communication in your marriage besides just saying actual words. And probably one of the other most important ones that we need to stay away from is the silent treatment where you don't say words, because that one can be just as bad sometimes, or even worse, probably, when we get mad at our spouses and just give them the silent treatment and treat them that way. That's just not a good thing. God does not want that, and last week we talked about small talk and how that was so important and kind of give us a brief, just an overview of what that was.

Michelle Moore:

Small talk is really just about how your day is going, Just kind of like sending little emojis, as Dan would say it through the emails and just kind of going back and forth. It's like little banter, just not nothing real deep, just surface talk.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, just kind of have that best friend type.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah, relationships throughout the day yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And then there's work talk, and we determined that didn't really mean, you know, doing budgets at work or Excel sheets or any of that kind of thing. When we talk about work talk in marriages, we're talking about the logistics of our relationships. So you know that's if your kids are in daycare, if they're at school, who's going to pick them up when the bills come along? How are we going to pay for these bills? You know how are we going to put our money out in different directions and be able to, you know, afford everything and keep everything current, right Mill prep, you know what mills are going to be taking place, appointments and chores. You know who's going to keep the house clean. That's, that's the work talk that we have to have if we're going to have a home and we're going to have a family. All of that stuff is super important, yeah, and so those were two different kinds of conversations that we started out with last week to try to solidify, to strengthen up the foundation of this idea that there's more to communication than just talking to each other. So we're trying to open up the foundation of this idea that there's more to communication than just talking to each other. So we're trying to open up a few different avenues here to be thinking about. So this week we're going to start with the third one, and this one is problem talk. This is probably one where a lot of relationships fail at accomplishing good things sometimes because the problem talk a lot of times gets put on the back burner, because this is where the confrontation takes place Right, and a lot of people don't like that.

Daniel Moore:

So another important type of communication in marriage revolves around handling the inevitable challenges that life throws your way. That's a good generic way to put that way. That's a good generic way to put that. These can range from minor issues like figuring out how to divide household chores to more intense scenarios like heated arguments, emotional wounds or external stressors such as job loss or medical scares. It's about learning to navigate disagreements, processing frustrations and overcoming hurdles together as a team.

Daniel Moore:

As an example, ryan's wife Anna. She called from another city confused and frustrated. She had taken a wrong turn on her way back from a weekend with her cousins and ended up far off course. She wasn't calling to joke around or hear how Ryan's day was going. She needed help and she needed it fast. Hear how Ryan's day was going. She needed help and she needed it fast. So he quickly pulled up directions on his phone, found her location and got her back on track with a better route. In that moment, their communication was focused on solving a real-time problem together.

Daniel Moore:

This type of dialogue is different from casual chats or coordinating schedules. It's about addressing issues that require action, resolution or support right then and there. If you're wondering how to handle these situations in a way that helps rather than harms your relationship, you're not alone. Later we're going to explore some strategies for managing tension and conflict in practical, healthy ways. So one quick thing here that I take away just as we get started into talking about problem talk. I think the very good thing that was brought up here was when there is a crisis in a relationship and we know by crisis this could mean a lot of different things. In this case, she was lost and probably agitated because she was on the wrong street, the traffic was probably horrible, she was about, you know, almost getting in wrecks and whatever may have been going on. With that moment, the last thing she needed from her husband was for him to start cracking jokes about what her situation at that moment, or maybe even teasing her about. You're never able to read a map, or you know or follow the follow the directions on the gps

Daniel Moore:

whatever you know, in that moment the emotions are already high, yeah, they're already elevated with her because she's been fighting the situation for a little bit trying to get back on track. So she wouldn't have called him to begin with unless she needed help. Right, right, right. And so when she came to that point where she decided, ok I'm, this is too much for me, I just need to call and see if he can help me get back where I need to be, then that's the last.

Daniel Moore:

That's not a situation where some jokester should come in and just start popping off snide, snarky, jokey comments about things.

Daniel Moore:

That can start those arguments and start those fights real quickly. And then on the other side of that as well, whenever you're having fights between each other, disagreements, you're having emotional conflicts between each other. You know some of this stuff that's very common in relationships, because when you live with someone 24-7, eventually you're going to get on each other's nerves. You know it's just going to happen and when that takes place, you know that's where this problem talk situation comes in. We have to learn how to navigate through all of that and fix the issues and come out stronger on the other side, rather than ignore the issue or not know how to navigate through it and just make matters worse, right, because that's a lot of times what can happen. And so when you're having you know, when we have an argument, or you're having a scenario where maybe you're struggling to do something that's really agitating you and you're really getting upset, and how, what, what kind of communication do you expect back from me as your husband in those moments?

Michelle Moore:

well, I, I think you can always tell by my tone too. Um, so I feel like if I was to have that conversation whether it may be via phone or just face to face, or I guess it really probably isn't going to be face to face, but you're going to know by my tone immediately that, okay, this is not a joking matter, this is a serious matter. But you're also going to talk to me in love. You're not going to talk to me like, well, you know, you're going to do this and you're going to do that. You're going to be like, hey, this is what you need to do, and you know, and I think a lot of times, if you know I'm struggling, you, you will be like I'm a pray for you, you know. So I feel like that type of communication, of talking in love and not a jokingly manner, means a lot a lot.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, and one thing that this type of talk has in common with our first two the small talk and the work talk is this type of dialogue also is something that just happens very easily. It's real easy to slip into this, because whenever we start having the arguments or the fights or we start having the high pressure moments, those are times they demand a reaction of some kind, and so, whether if we like it or not, we're going to be pulled into some kind of dialogue at that moment to try to rectify that situation. And so this type of dialogue you know it's different from casual chats or coordinating schedules, but there's something to keep in mind it's easy to let these first three kinds of communication the lighthearted conversation, the planning, life logistics and the problem solving to completely take over your relationship, and that's because they happen without much effort. So life is chaotic, interruptions are constant and challenges pop up, whether we're ready for it or not. That's one problem with this problem talk. You know, problem talk is just problematic. I kind of like putting them two words together, but that's, they happen whether if we want it to or not. You know we're going to have those moments where you can't you can't live your whole life being married and never have a problem talk. I just don't see how that's possible. And we never. And they sometimes always seem to pop up at the worst possible moment to you know, right when things are not going the greatest.

Daniel Moore:

As the character Ferris Bueller once said, life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. And Ferris Bueller was right. When you're both busy juggling work, parenting, finances and countless responsibilities, it's easy to fall into a routine where communication is just about getting through the day and putting out fires. After all, challenges don't need an invitation, they show up on their own. Mix that in with two flawed human beings trying to share space and build a life together, and communication at that point all of a sudden slips into survival mode.

Daniel Moore:

But here's the danger If your conversations are always about surface level things, managing life's demands or solving problems, something vital gets lost. You become more like coworkers than true partners. Over time this takes a toll. One study found that long married couples often spend just a few minutes actually talking during an hour long meal. You know, it raises the question after years of small talk, endless logistics and problem solving, did they forget how to connect on a deeper level? Just kind of brings up that question. The reality is this While each of these first three types of communication is necessary, they can't be the only dialogue in your relationship. As Proverbs wisely reminds us, death and life are in the power of the tongue. In other words, the way you talk to each other matters deeply. Your words can breathe new life into your marriage or slowly contribute to its disconnection.

Daniel Moore:

And I know for us in the past when we've had these issues where we've had problems in our marriage, especially when we were having our bad time during our marriage and everything. Honestly, it probably felt like every day was just putting out fires. Yeah, and that is exhausting. It is, you know, it's. It truly really wears on you. And and I think I've actually seen people too, though that if they, like we were talking earlier, with your finances and that kind of thing, if you're not careful and you don't allow God to work through all the different aspects of your relationship and of your life, then you can get yourselves in financial problems where you're constantly juggling money, working extra jobs, whatever it may be, and that puts a lot of pressure. Extra jobs, whatever it may be, and that puts a lot of pressure. And then it seems like you can put yourself. Your relationship might've been okay necessarily the relationship that you had between each other but these financial problems and other stuff now become a huge weight on that relationship and it becomes a strain.

Daniel Moore:

That can be something that feels like you're just putting fires out all day. Also, if you're not careful, and what typically happens when you start having that kind of stuff in your marriage, what happens to your relationship. At that point we start reevaluating do I really want to be here? You know, it's like I think it becomes so much sometimes on some people because some people can handle more than others. But it does become a point where you probably start getting, I guess, that exhaustion we talked about exhaustion a couple of weeks ago. That kind of gets into the exhaustion part of being married.

Michelle Moore:

Well, it's also you're thinking of. This is not how I expected my life to be. Yeah. And when you start thinking that that's where I feel like the enemy can come in and be like, yeah, you don't need this, you know you could go and be there, be this somewhere else, or you know, and I think you have to be careful with that, and that goes into the exhaustion of weighing everything that's going on with that.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. So we have to be super careful with all these different kinds of communication. We need to make sure that there's a balance there. We need to make sure that there's a balance there and we need to make sure that, whether if it's small talk or if it's the work talk or especially this problem talk, we've got to make sure that we are able to work through all of this in a positive manner and make sure that we have a good outcome on the other end, because otherwise you do, you're just, you feel like you're just running the wheel every day. You're just circling right back where you were yesterday and it just continues to be a cycle and that relationship starts deteriorating at that point if we're not careful. So when we talk about these three different kinds of communications, that just seems to just happen. Regardless if we try or not, they're always going to be there and they're just things that just happen sometimes. There's got to be a positive side to all of this. You know how do you work through the problem talks and the work talks without letting them overwhelm you, and how do you keep the small talks in place to make sure that they're a positive part of your marriage.

Daniel Moore:

There's a missing piece, and that missing piece is the last talk that we're going to talk about. It's life-giving conversations and, unlike these other three that we talked about today and then the two that we talked about last week, this one here does not happen automatically. You're not going to stumble into this kind of a life-giving talk in the middle of a grocery list or a stressful moment. These kinds of talks require conscious effort To build a thriving connection. You have to be intentional about bringing these life breathing moments into your communication routine. So, michelle, I'm going to have you take it from here and share with us what is this life giving talk all about?

Michelle Moore:

The secret to a deeply connected marriage isn't just talking more. It's about talking differently. You can spend hours chatting and still never dive below the surface. It's not the quantity that transforms a marriage, but the quality and depth of your conversations. Forms of marriage, but the quality and depth of your conversations. Unfortunately, research shows that most couples spend less than five minutes a day engaged in a meaningful dialogue. Interestingly, a study published in Psychological Science revealed that people actually feel happier when they engage in deep, substantial conversations rather than just skimming over topics with casual banter.

Michelle Moore:

Marriage counselor Marcia Berger explains that the strength of a relationship is built on constantly tuning into each other's hopes, goals, challenges and personal growth as life moves forward. It's about maintaining emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual connection in every stage of the journey. This is where what we call life giving talk comes in. These are conversations that matter most, the ones where you open up about your inner thoughts and feelings and truly listen, as your spouse does the same. It's where emotional intimacy is built. Study shows that couples who take time to share their vulnerabilities, their fears, desires, trust, struggles and hidden dreams report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships.

Daniel Moore:

Okay.

Daniel Moore:

So in this one here we've already noticed, as you've been talking through that that.

Daniel Moore:

So let's say that you know we do have problems and we know that we need to talk about these problems and it's becoming the elephant in the room. But we're constantly skirting around the issue and we, you know, consistently just don't talk about it. There's a pressure there, it's something always on our there's a weight on our shoulders constantly because we just even in passing conversation, we're real careful how we talk because we don't want to say something that's going to trigger that conversation or make it blow up. You know, you're constantly walking around on eggshells and so we finally sit down and say, okay, we have a problem. This Friday night we're going to go out to dinner and we're going finally sit down and say, okay, we have a problem. This Friday night we're going to go out to dinner and we're going to sit down and we're going to talk through all of this and so we have the dinner and we sit there, but yet and neither person is they're both scared to bring it up.

Daniel Moore:

And so you chit chat, have little meaningless conversations or whatever. While you're eating there's probably lots of moments of silence, or whatever it may be, and then the end of the night comes and you don't talk about it, you get up and you leave. What kind of pressure do you still have on yourself?

Michelle Moore:

It's the same pressure you walked in with. Yeah, because it's even more now because you scheduled that time to discuss it and you didn't even discuss it.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, you hit it, I was going to it is more.

Michelle Moore:

It is I mean because and it continues to build.

Daniel Moore:

Yes, yes. And so that's why that's why this conversation doesn't come on its own. You don't just sit down and all of a sudden, the words just start flowing out of your mouth and you solve the world's problems. It's not like that. This is something. You have to be intentional to have this type of talk, and that's why I think so many times it's so easy for married couples to fall into a rut and get into a situation where they actually start causing more problems in their marriage than not causing problems.

Daniel Moore:

And they continually to just overlook them, because I think you know like it kind of brings us back to the very first conversations we had in this series about the foxes, those little foxes as they keep coming in, they start piling on. It's so much easier just to put it on the back burner and think well, tomorrow's a different day and it'll fix itself Sooner or later. Something's going to break here and it's going to be okay. I won't have to worry about it anymore. But in all realities, a lot of those problems can't be fixed until you talk them through, right.

Michelle Moore:

You're so right.

Daniel Moore:

You have to have that conversation, and so when they're bad conversations like that, those are things it's. It's just like if you're given advice to a friend, even a friend's doing something really bad that they don't need to be doing and you as a as a best friend, feels like you need, it gets to a point where I really just need to say something because they're destroying themselves. How hard is that conversation to have?

Daniel Moore:

You know it's not something. You just OK, let's go grab a coffee, and then you sit down, just all of a sudden you just start rolling out all the words and solve the whole problem or whatever. No, you got a million things going through your mind that whole time you're ordering that coffee. So how am I going to start this conversation? How am I going to say this without them getting mad at me? How am I going to say this without losing a friendship? You got all this stuff going on in your mind constantly. And then this transfers over into marriage. If you have marital problems or whatever, those same things can happen. You can be saying you know, how am I going to bring this up without getting a divorce? How am I going to have this conversation without making him or her so mad at me that they don't want to speak to me for a month? You know all this stuff has to be worked through.

Michelle Moore:

And it takes God to get in the middle of all of that. I was going to say, I think, in conversations, when you're getting ready to have those, I think the first and foremost for me is hey, can we pray about this before we start? Because, honestly, god's words need to be coming out of the mouth for both to receive and to hear what it is that needs to be.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, and so we have to understand that if we're going to fix problems in our marriage, we have to be intentional, absolutely, that if we're going to fix problems in our marriage, we have to be intentional, absolutely we can't just sit there and just expect it to happen and that it'll just be a miracle in time.

Michelle Moore:

And I think sometimes when you have these conversations, not everything's fixed. At that point you know you need to talk those things through and if there is no resolution, you need to come back and say, okay, we need to pray about this. And I know I bring up prayer a lot and go into the Father. But I'm telling you guys, his guidance, the way he leads us, you won't be disappointed, because sometimes it's not a fix right then and there. And I mean I know there's been times that you know we bought the truck, we prayed, I mean we disagreed, we prayed, we disagreed, and you know, and it's necessarily like, okay, and it's a decision that I mean God had to guide us in and it wasn't just like a one month, because those are hard talks too. I mean finances are hard, guys. I mean it's not just relational, but sometimes it is relational and you know there's been things that we've had to work through and it's definitely not a fix overnight. No.

Daniel Moore:

The things about these conversations is they won't happen on their own. The day-to-day chatter, calendar coordination and inevitable problem solving will quickly fill up all your available space in your relationship unless you make a deliberate effort to invite deeper conversation. You have to be intentional.

Daniel Moore:

Intentional, so the important question becomes how do you create space for these life-giving moments? Well, there is something called the 10-minute rule, and it's introduced by Dr Terry Orbeck. After studying nearly 400 couples over a 30-year period, dr Orbeck found that couples who reported the highest levels of happiness spend at least 10 minutes a day talking about deeper, more personal topics. This type of communication is different from casual chit-chat, coordinating tasks or solving problems. It focuses instead on understanding your partner's inner world that matters to them and what drives them and what they're experiencing emotionally. Some of these could be like affirming who your spouse is or noticing what you appreciate and expressing gratitude, reminiscing about the good times in your marriage, talking about emotions, discovering each other's love, language and preferences, unpacking hopes and dreams, discussing spiritual journeys, revealing stressors, worries and fears, talking about friendships and social relationships. It's clear why these types of conversations add depth to a relationship. When a spouse takes the time to connect on a meaningful level, it communicates a deep desire to understand their partners in her world, their emotions, hopes, fears, needs and aspirations. It's more than just talking. It's about truly seeing and being seen. These conversations send the message you matter, and I want to know everything that makes you who you are. But for this kind of emotional connection to thrive, it needs to go both ways. It's not only about learning what makes your spouse tick, but also about opening up and sharing your authentic self. True intimacy is found when one person says here's the real me and the other responds I see you and I accept you wholeheartedly.

Daniel Moore:

For example, in one marriage the husband wants to strengthen their emotional bond and asked his wife what meaningful questions that he could regularly ask her Without hesitation. She said she already had several in mind. He encouraged her to take her time, expecting a thoughtful reply, but she joked that if she thought about it too long she'd come up with a dozen more. Well, they both laughed and he agreed to start with just a few. She told him that it would mean a lot if he consistently asked her a few intentional questions each week, simple things that went deeper than surface-level topics. These small but intentional exchanges became powerful moments of connection, helping them both feel more known and loved in their relationships. Some of these questions were how are you doing emotionally? How are things going between you and the kids relationally? How are things going between you and the kids relationally? How are things going between you and your girlfriends, what is one thing that God has been teaching you lately? That's good.

Daniel Moore:

These four simple questions became a powerful tool for understanding her inner thoughts and emotions. He would ask them during all kinds of moments while driving together, relaxing at a coffee shop, sitting through halftime at their kids' soccer games, lying in bed before falling asleep, sitting side by side on a crowded flight, waiting at a doctor's office or walking on their favorite trail. Whether it was in 10 minutes of downtime or during a daily routine, these questions gave them a consistent way to connect below the surface, consistent way to connect below the surface, and that's something that you know with you and I. One thing that I can think of that you and I do a lot is you know I'll cook breakfast a lot. Sometimes. You'll cook it, and one thing that I always do is always say it's good breakfast, hon, or good dinner, hon, because you'll fix dinner or whatever. And you know I I don't hear a lot of couples do that, you know to their other spouses. I feel like it's important because I truly mean that you know it's.

Michelle Moore:

And I always thank you. I'm like before you, you know, I'm like, thank you so much for breakfast.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, and then here lately it's it's that time of the year that our our home insurance is getting ready to renew and we've got just a lot of pressure. You know, everybody that owns a home knows that house insurance never goes down, it always goes up. And you know there's been a lot of pressure here lately because ours is going up, which, when it's in escrow, makes your house payment go higher. And you know just all of this. It's like a domino effect. You know stuff just starts higher. And you know just all this. It's like a domino effect. You know stuff just starts happening.

Daniel Moore:

And one thing and Michelle knows this, one thing that'll stress me out quicker than anything is financial stuff. And because you know, with the jobs that I have and then her job, and just putting it all together and all that kind of thing, you know I start looking at all the numbers and that kind of thing. And so when I'm working through all of this right now I'm trying to get some quotes from insurance companies and that kind of thing, because we're going to be changing it around. You know if we can save some money. And it's a very stressful time and it causes me when I go through this. I've always got a lot going on in my mind and it kind of makes me disconnect a little bit sometimes. It makes me disconnect a little bit sometimes and so just like yesterday I think it was, or yesterday or the day before, you know she came out and just asked me are you happy? It was yesterday.

Michelle Moore:

Was it yesterday? Yeah, it was yesterday.

Daniel Moore:

No, it was Saturday it was.

Michelle Moore:

Saturday because we came back from Lowe's.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, I was thinking it was a couple of days ago. We're recording this on Labor Day, so she, you know, she just looked at me and said Are you happy? And I am. I just got this stuff going on in my mind right now. This got me a little bit distracted, you know. But why did you ask me that?

Michelle Moore:

Just because you were disconnected, yeah, you just, and you just didn't seem happy, like it was just like and I and I know it's it's stress, it's stressful time for you and you know and everything. So I just I just want to make sure that you know if there's something I can do or something I did. Yeah then I need to fix it, you know, or you know, because I just want to make sure that you're OK.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, and so that was a life giving talk. Really that was an intentional, because you could have just not asked me that and if I did have a true marital issue with between us, it could have just festered and gotten bigger because we never talked about it.

Michelle Moore:

I would have punched you in the face. By then. I would have been like heck, no.

Daniel Moore:

I'm going to get her a boxing bag.

Michelle Moore:

Hey, I've been good.

Daniel Moore:

I haven't said that in a long time. But yeah, it's, you know stuff like that. I appreciate that because, for one thing, that does remind me that there's two of us in this equation.

Michelle Moore:

You know, and it's not your burden, just to carry.

Daniel Moore:

Right, and I definitely don't want to make it look like it's a one sided thing or or have it affect my relationship with you or that kind of thing, and it makes me feel good because I know you really care about how I feel, you know, and so there's just a lot of things that goes into that, that I think a lot of people don't think. They think, well, that's just, that's a dumb question to ask. I'm not going to ask it. You know, in all reality, when it comes to relationships, I'm not really sure there is a dumb question to ask because you never know.

Michelle Moore:

And I was also. Not only that, but you're not in this alone. You know I knew you were happy, I had no doubt, but I knew the other was consuming you at the moment and I was just like I can take some of that too. You know, I don't want you to feel like you're the only one that you know it's affecting. Yeah. And we did, we talked about it. Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

I mean, we sat in a truck and we talked about everything that was going on with everything and I asked what can I do to help you? Obviously, there was nothing I can do except for, hey, insurance is free for a year, you know, but obviously that's not it. But I mean, I just want him to know that I'm right here holding his hand through this.

Daniel Moore:

And so stuff like that is real important to make sure that you keep that type of conversation flow in your relationship and in your marriage, because that's what keeps the deeper levels connected. That's not just that superficial joking comment that's being made through an email or something just to keep your conversations going throughout the day. That's actually, you know, a little serious in nature, yeah, something that you for sure want to make sure you talk through. So in this scenario where this husband asked his wife, well, later she turned the table and asked him what kind of questions would help her understand his inner world, and so, true to form, he responded with a laugh, joking that she could start by asking about how things were going with his imaginary girlfriends. But as he gave it more thought, he realized something important what worked for her didn't really work for him.

Daniel Moore:

The kinds of deep, emotionally open-ended questions that she appreciated tended to shut him down. When she would ask how are you feeling? His automatic reply was often simply fine or good, just one word answers offering little insight. It wasn't that he didn't want to be open, it was that he needed a different entry point. This is where this male and female thing is different between each other. Instead of what he jokingly called touchy-feely questions, he responded much better to prompts like what was the high of your day and what was the low For him. That style of question created a gentle ramp into more meaningful dialogue. Much like easing into a hot tub, it warmed him up for a deeper dive.

Daniel Moore:

Once he opened up about the best and worst parts of his day, she found it much easier to ask deeper, emotional questions and actually receive honest answers. At that point what she learned was that the path to his inner life looked a little different than her own, but the result was the same. They still found that connection between each other. Over time they landed on a set of regular questions that she could ask that suited his communication style and helped strengthen the emotional bond between them.

Daniel Moore:

So some of the questions that he asked told her to ask was what's the high of your day? What's the low of your day? What is stressing you out most at work and at home? What is the one thing that God has been teaching you lately? And I think you know a lot of times. This is probably a good fail point for communications between spouses, because we don't know what questions to ask, because there is a significant difference. You know, michelle, she has all kinds of things that are more emotionally connected to her than what I. I'm not emotionally connected to that stuff, but I've got stuff that's really important to me that you don't quite understand because you're not me and we all have different personalities. We all have different backgrounds that we come from, we all live different lives and there's just a distinct difference between male and female. That's just how God created us.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And.

Michelle Moore:

I actually like these. I think it's really good to have these If your spouse and you can sit down and ask those questions to get in a better um down and ask those questions to get in a better, just the conversations of what the deeper ones would be, because, honestly, you know some of the questions we talk about every day or just talk about and discuss it really it's not like these. So I think it would be good for every couple. I mean, we've never tried this.

Daniel Moore:

No, we've had other ways that we've started these conversations, but we've not used these specific questions.

Michelle Moore:

No, not these specific questions, but just sitting down and saying what's your for that? You know you would want me to ask.

Daniel Moore:

You know I mean because a lot of times it's very important. A lot of times couples will shut down and just blow the thing off if they ask the wrong question. Because they'll ask a question that spouse does not resonate with that question, so they give the one word answer and then the other spouse just gives up. Well, they don't want to talk? Yeah, so they just give up. But in all reality you need to figure out who your spouse is and what question would initiate that conversation.

Michelle Moore:

That's so good.

Daniel Moore:

Because you may ask that same question over a 30 year span of your marriage and get the same answer. He's never going to respond differently to that because that's not his trigger question.

Michelle Moore:

So try these. So, not try these, but try sitting down with your spouse and asking them the four questions that they would resonate with and that they would want you to ask.

Daniel Moore:

And we've got a pretty good list of more here in just a minute that we're going to close with I haven't turned the page with yet.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah so I'll have Michelle, share those with you here in a minute. But as we close here, one of the biggest obstacles to having meaningful heart-to-heart conversation is simply making time for them. The other conversations that we've talked about, that casual chat, the everyday management and those problem solving communications those tend to happen on their own because they're going to happen in marriage. That's just the way it is, and you're going to be forced to have to react to those kinds of moments and they happen on their own without any planning. So this is what sets intentional connection apart, this life giving conversation that we need to have to engage in this deeper kind of conversation.

Daniel Moore:

You actually have to create space for it and you know, michelle and I, we get it. You know it's it's not, it's no small task. It's really hard to have those conversations, sometimes, depending on your current season of life. Even finding a consistent 10 minute window each day can can feel challenging or it might even be unrealistic. You know you may be sitting there thinking I don't have 10 minutes to talk. Well, you probably need to evaluate that If you don't have 10 minutes to talk, you've got an awful lot of things going on.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, there's a lot of other things that's taking that space that your spouse needs to be in the middle of, so you really need to be careful with that. What counts as the perfect time for this depends entirely on your lifestyle. Maybe your best shot comes while brushing your teeth in the morning. How are you supposed to have a conversation when you're brushing your teeth? Well, I don't know. I guess one person can talk while the other brushes and then the other one starts brushing. You can answer back.

Michelle Moore:

I guess. So Something like that you can't argue very well that way no.

Daniel Moore:

You'd be spitting toothpaste everywhere yeah, yeah, but or sorry, it might be pushing a stroller around the block. Maybe you're sharing a meal, sitting in a waiting room, driving to a weekend activity, lying in bed before sleep, or maybe just catching up over a cappuccino or something. Even running errands or walking the dog together can provide an opening. Perhaps you're carpooling from work or standing in line at the grocery store. You might think conversations this meaningful have to be in person, and while that's ideal, they don't always have to be. Dr Terry Orbik found that these types of exchanges can be impactful whether they're held face to face, over the phone or even through email or text. That is a total game changer for couples who travel, often have long commutes or deal with distance due to military service or work demands. Another useful way to get these deeper conversations going is by using intentional prompts. Many couples find themselves falling back on the same repetitive topics or drawing blanks when it comes to asking new questions.

Daniel Moore:

Conversation starters can bring fresh energy to your daily interactions and lead to more emotionally nourishing dialogue, and that's where this life giving conversation is different from like problem solving or the arguments or whatever, Because obviously, with problem solving or if you're having an argument or you're having a bad time in your relationship that you really need to fix things, those really need to be face to face communication so you're not leaving any room whatsoever for it to be taken wrong or to, you know, be taken lightly these types of life giving conversations you know we used to do this all the time.

Daniel Moore:

You know, when you, when you date, when you're not living together yet you know a lot of you probably think back when you first were dating. You'd be on the phone for two hours with your girlfriend or boyfriend and just talking and talking away, and that's what this is kind of reflecting back to. If you are a spouse that travels a lot or is away from home quite often and you're not able to have these kinds of conversations regularly face to face, it's OK to have these over the phone. Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

I mean, that brings you back to that time when you just sit there on the phone for hours trying to figure each other out, you know. And so don't let that be a crutch, don't let the fact that, well, I'm never home so I can't never talk to her, or I'm never home so I can't never talk to him, well, that's not necessary with this one, because this is this one here is just digging a little deeper into how you tick, you know what, what's some things that really mean a lot to you right now that that you would like to share with me.

Daniel Moore:

You know, I want to know what's going on in your life. Yeah, I want to know. You know the things that mean the most to you right now and you know so it's. It's real easy to do these types of conversations with over the phone or face to face. Easy to do these types of conversations with over the phone or face to face. Obviously, it's more fun face to face, I think. But yeah, but you can still get around it the other way. So, as I was saying, there's some good ones, other questions that you can ask that can aid you in these 10 minute conversations, and we got a few here, michelle. Won't you share those with us?

Michelle Moore:

What one skill or talent do you wish you had learned, but haven't yet? What three things have you done in your life that you're most proud of? If you could live one year of your life all over again without changing a thing, what year would you choose and why? What happened when you made the decision to accept Christ as your Savior and Lord? Where and when did it happen? If you could change your profession and do something different, what would you do If you had to take a paid sabbatical and couldn't work for an entire year? What would you most like to do? Are there any daring activities that you would like to try? What are the top five qualities that you hope our children will have?

Michelle Moore:

Describe your ideal way for us to spend an evening after the kids are in bed. What are some of the ways if you like to be shown that someone loves you? In what ways do you like to be romanced? I like that one. If someone wanted to finance the startup of your business with no strings attached, what business would you start? I could answer that for Daniel. If you inherited $200,000, what would you do with that money? What do you think is the secret behind couples who have been happily married for more than 50 years. I like that one.

Daniel Moore:

So this is just an example. You know there's lots of it. This is like a triggering. You can think about this and come up with others. Yeah, you know, this is just a starting point and this is just some good, healthy conversations that you can have between each other to grow deeper in love with each other, to be more intentional with how you feel about each other, to make that marriage the best that it can ever be. And you know God's intention for us is it's my job at the end of the day to you know, god put Michelle in my life for me to pour into her and to help her to excel, to be the best that she could ever be of who God wants her to be, and vice versa. You know God put me in Michelle's life for her to pour into me and to push me to the stars, to to be the best person that I could ever be of who God intended me to be.

Michelle Moore:

And I want to make a comment to that who God intended you to be, not who I intend you to be. It's who God intended you to be.

Daniel Moore:

He put us all here to help each other reach that goal, yes, so good.

Daniel Moore:

And so these questions are important for that life-giving talk that we're going to have in our relationships. So, as we close here, make it a daily habit to spend at least 10 minutes hopefully longer eventually. That's a starting point Connecting on a deeper level, talking about your thoughts, feelings, hopes and everything that helps you to truly understand each other. These are the conversations that allow you to really know your partner in a meaningful way. Back in 1983, the band Journey released a song, faithfully, and there's a line that stands out. It says I get the joy of rediscovering you. That's what these conversations are about Finding joy in getting to know your spouse again and again. No matter how long you've been together, there's always something new to discover because people grow and change over time, and that's one of the most beautiful things about marriage.

Daniel Moore:

And I don't know how many of you guys have ever listened to that Journey song and just never really thought about that line, but I've heard many people talk about that line in that song because there is some really deep, true meaning in that, the way that that's worded I get the joy of rediscovering you. We should never get to a point where we feel like we know our spouses completely and there's nothing new to know, because we're too deep for that. So many things inside of us that God's created us individually that we can share, that we should never have a moment where we can't just sit down and talk and learn more about each other. You know, that's just the way that God's designed us, and if you're stuck in that rut right now where you can't even have a conversation with your spouse and come out on the other side of that conversation feeling like that you learned anything new, then you probably need to work on that. You know there's some issues there that probably need to be taken care of and this type of skill here just might help that and to use some of these questions just to open up that conversation and start learning more about each other.

Daniel Moore:

And hopefully, like I said earlier, you know, 10 minutes is a good way to start it. Yeah, but wouldn't it be cool someday to be able to have an hour? Yeah, you know, I mean that 10 minutes turned into 20 to 30, to an hour, two hours, for you know it. You look at the clock like man that time flew by. You know. That's when you know you have a good relationship. That's when you know that you're in love with that person that you're with.

Michelle Moore:

And you know the sky's the limit at that point, so you have anything else to add to that? No, this was good, Very, very good on communication.

Daniel Moore:

Well, communication is important, and we hope that you guys are able to work on that in your relationships and communicate the way that God wants you to. So the takeaway from this week's episode, or this episode four from last week and this week is that roommates talk about trivial things or administrate their marriage to death. Soulmates regularly pursue life giving conversations. So that's going to wrap up this week's episode, and we hope that you guys retain something from that and maybe learn some things, as we shared with you over this last couple of weeks. We'll be back next week with our next episode in this Marriage Reset series. That's all for this week, though. We pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer After this episode. This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.

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Daniel and Michelle Moore

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