Marriage Life and More

Living Alone Together - Separate Lives Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 267

• Daniel and Michelle Moore • Episode 267

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Ever shared a home, a calendar, and a life… yet felt utterly alone? We dive into the quiet shift from soulmates to roommates and tell the story of Jeff and Lindsay—a couple who does almost everything “right” but slowly drifts into separate emotional lives. Their journey becomes a lens to explore why so many marriages feel isolated, how busyness disguises disconnection, and what it takes to reweave intimacy without losing yourself.

We spotlight clear signs of parallel living—separate rooms, silent dinners, chore scorekeeping, vanishing touch, and conversations reduced to logistics. Then we get practical. We talk about ending the criticism loop and choosing teamwork over perfection. We unpack the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, why timing and discernment matter, and how two healthier individuals make a healthier marriage. Instead of chasing independence or collapsing into codependence, we point to interdependence: two whole people, rooted in Christ, relying on each other without making each other “everything.”

You’ll hear our own hard-won lessons—from career loss and emotional withdrawal to rebuilding connection through small, consistent habits. We share daily prompts to open real conversation, simple ways to turn chores into bonding, and gentle rhythms for aligning bedtimes, touch, and prayer. We also name spiritual warfare for what it is, and outline how couples can resist division together with humility and hope.

If your marriage feels like two parallel tracks, this is a compassionate roadmap back to the same lane. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help others find the show. What’s one small change you’ll make to move from roommates to soulmates this week?


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Michelle Moore:

There are some women out there that are very critical in just telling their husbands pretty much you need to do it this way or you're not doing it good enough. I'll just do it, don't worry about it.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

Women, if your husband's trying, keep those comments to yourself, let him try. It may not be good enough for you, but he's trying. And I give him kudos for that.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

Because as long as they try, I think that they're they're trying for their marriage too at the same time.

Daniel Moore:

This week on Marriage Life and More, we continue our series on marriage reset, roommates to soulmates in your marriage. We're starting off episode six in this series. We'll be back to start that right after this. And sometimes we have people on here and we interview them if they have an inspiring story to share. I'm Daniel Moore, your host. Standing over next to me, of course, is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.

Michelle Moore:

Hey, hey.

Daniel Moore:

And want to thank you guys for joining us this week. If you're not familiar with our show, check out our website at marriagelifeandmore.com for our platforms. Our YouTube and Rumble links are there. And we're also on the Christian Podcasting app at Edify. We're also on your Alexa and Google Smart Devices. And you can also visit us on social. We have Facebook, Instagram, and X. All of those are at CTGAP Online. If you are a fan of our show, please subscribe. Feel free to leave a comment on our platforms. Give us a thumbs up or a five-star review on Apple Podcast. And we'd be grateful to you for doing that, helping our podcast and our ministry here to grow. Well, as we start this week out, we've been through five sessions so far, five episodes of our series on marriage reset. And I know Michelle and I, we've had some feedback from some people that have uh, you know, really enjoyed some of the episodes and I think taken away some things and applied it in their lives. And I hope that you guys have as well, all of you that are listening out there, we've got several more episodes to go as we finish up this series. But this week, as I mentioned here in the intro, we are starting episode six, and we're gonna go ahead and get started into that. This week it's titled Living Alone Together, Separate Lives. Dennis Rainey once said, Every marriage will naturally move toward a state of isolation. Unless you lovingly, energetically nurture and maintain intimacy in your marriage, you will drift apart from your spouse. Well, at first glance, Jeff and Lindsay seem like a normal couple. They are raising two teenagers and one chocolate labrador retriever. Their house is a fixer upper that they hope to flip someday for a tidy profit. They exercise in the morning, they see the kids off to school, they go to work, they eat meals, they work on the house, they watch their favorite TV shows, they attend church, they enjoy the outdoors and participate in hobbies, they also socialize with friends. The only problem is they do these things separately. Married for 15 years, Jeff and Lindsay have slowly grown independent from each other. Jeff is immersed in his career as a small business executive, taking the kids to practices and working on the house. Lindsay is absorbed in working as a nurse, raising their two children, managing household responsibilities, and socializing with friends. After a whirlwind romance and wedding, they quickly had their first child. They never really had an opportunity to learn how to be a connected couple. Now the majority of their time and energy goes into their jobs and their children. Their primary mission together is to raise happy, well adjusted kids who, of course, follow the Lord. They are great parents, but very lousy lovers. They are content sharing a home and bills, but not an interconnected relationship. The only time they are together is at child sporting events at church, or when they need to discuss finances, logistics, schedules, or to-do list. Their marriage feels cold and distant, like they are speeding down two parallel tracks instead of living life together. Both being fiercely independent, the priority isn't the marriage relationship. Jeff and Lindsay occasionally fantasize about finding someone else, but they stay married because loneliness isn't biblical grounds for divorce, as you can read in Matthew nineteen, verse nine, and they don't want to hurt their children. They both came from broken homes and can't stand the thought of their kids experiencing the pain of a divorce. They want to regain the close connection that was present in the early years of their courtship and marriage, but they feel like their relationship is like the continental divide, and that's a ridge of high ground that runs through the Rocky Mountains, sending some streams of water toward the Pacific Ocean and others toward the Atlantic. Jeff and Lindsay's marriage has divided into individual streams, and they're going in separate directions. They have lost their sense of togetherness and can't seem to find their way back to a connected marriage. But as we read this little story here introing our episode this week, we want you to know that Jeff and Lindsay are very far from unique. If you look at statistics, many married couples coexist as they lead parallel lives. Studies have shown that as high as 40% of married spouses complain of feeling lonely sometimes or often. In a study of older adults, more than 60% of people who reported being lonely were married and living with their spouse. So as we start off this week's episode, as we talk about this situation of being lonely, but yet having, you know, people around you, especially your spouse right there by your side, it just really seems odd that you could get yourself into a spot to be that way. Because after all, you know, Michelle, when I married you, uh part of my reason for that was I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to have someone there beside me. Uh, wanted to have someone to do things with because I'm not the type of person that there's some things that I don't mind doing by myself. But for the most part, if I do a lot of things, I want to have someone to do it with me.

Michelle Moore:

Companionship.

Daniel Moore:

And it's and somebody that's special. You know? And there's a lot of times, you know, I can I can spend time with my friends and I can go do things with my friends. But in all reality, in the long run, when I look back over my life and all the things that I've ever done, more often than not, the things that I've done with you stands out more so than even the things that I've done with my friends.

Michelle Moore:

I'd hope so.

Daniel Moore:

Well, that's because if I don't, she's gonna punch me in the face. I did not say that. She tells me that all the time.

Michelle Moore:

I did not say that one. Not this time.

Daniel Moore:

Uh-huh. I had to open the door for her. I beat you to it.

Michelle Moore:

That's right. You beat me to it.

Daniel Moore:

But no, and all in all seriousness, uh, there's there's just something about that connection. Yes, yeah. I think that when you do things with certain people, but if you go do those things again, but you do them with their spouse or the person that's closest to you, person that you love the most in your life, it just seems like there's a different nostalgic presence about it, and you enjoy it so much more and it actually sticks into your mind, you know, throughout your eternity, throughout the the rest of your life. But when you look at these statistics here showing that 40% of married couples complain about being lonely sometimes or often, and you look at the 60%.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah, that was kind of what do you think about that? I mean, but you know, I think sometimes older people just get upset in their ways, and as they get older, they just enjoy doing things by themselves. Um I mean, not that I think anything is wrong with this, but you know some couples as they're older have separate bedrooms, you know, and that could that could to me that wouldn't already put me in a lonely, you know, because at nighttime if I'm married, you know, I like to whether I touch my tip of my foot on your leg, I know you're there, you know, and I don't feel like I'm by myself. So I mean I could see where they feel lonely, but I also think older adults I mean, I'm not there yet, so it's kind of hard for me to say that. It is I'm I'm sitting here in my mind thinking, why is that? You know, I'm not older, so I say I'm not older. I am older, but I'm not like 60s, 70, 80s, you know. Um, so I I am curious to see what they actually went off on that study.

Daniel Moore:

Well, you know, I I do computer work as a small business on the side, and I do a lot of work for elderly people. And I've talked to you before, there's times that I've been to people's homes where they have separate bedrooms.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah. But it wasn't that a thing back.

Daniel Moore:

It it was back in the day. Well, even and I don't know if part of it was because of the way TV displayed it, because you know in the original TV, the beginnings of it, even though people slept in the same room, they always separated them just because of the visual, you know, of it being on TV where everybody can see they didn't want to uh TV was TV was way less of a mind game back in those days. It was more about entertainment and some comedy and that, you know, family-oriented things. So they always kept them separated in the bedrooms. But, you know, as I've been to people's homes and I see that they have separate bedrooms, they'll usually give me an excuse. And, you know, sometimes it's like, well, you know, he just snores so bad, we just can't sleep together anymore. She snores so bad.

Michelle Moore:

I understand that.

Daniel Moore:

No, there's there's stuff like that, and I understand that can be a nuisance to uh another spouse. And I know as you get older, our bodies change and things happen where you know that might be an issue and it may be something you can't correct necessarily. Or it might be a night owl and one may be a morning person, so you don't want to keep the other one awake, and you know, so I understand that there's certain reasons that people, you know, do those kinds of things. I just I guess in my mind, I hope that me, I hope that you and I aren't like that when we get to that to that age. We only have this life to live together. And when we get to heaven, you know, the Bible's very specific that there's no marriage in heaven. And so it leaves it kind of out there in limbo. I think, you know, there's a part of me I believe that we'll know people. I think we'll know who they are. I don't know that we'll remember that we were married to this person or whatever that will be. The Bible doesn't really specifically explain all that part out. That's just a mystery to be known once until we get there. Um, but I want to know that if at this time in my life that I actually have here on earth and I have a marriage, I have a spouse, you know, I want to make sure that all the time that I have that I can spend with you while I'm here, I spend that with you.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And so I hope within my own self and you know, between you and I, I hope we never end up in that position where we feel like we have to have a separate bedroom, you know.

Michelle Moore:

Well, it's weird to think how I mean, how do you get there?

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, is I I I mean, I I don't know. It's got to do something with the relationship. It's got to do something to the relationship and the intimacy part of your marriage when that separation happens. And I don't think I know lots of older people that have very intimate, uh, they enjoy um each other tremendously later in life.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

You know, there it then the thoughts out there all the time that oh, you hit a certain age and it's just all gone. You know, you just exist with each other till you die. And it seems like a lot of older people kind of look at it that way. But you know, I don't think it should have to be that way because God created inside of each of one of us a level of intimacy, you know, that we can share with each other. And I think that even though it may evolve, you know, it might be completely different kind of an intimacy as what we had when we first got married. But I think that that intimacy should always stay there, yeah, you know, until the end, until we're done here on this earth.

Michelle Moore:

And so I I wouldn't have liked to have seen their survey of, you know, what is it that you how do you feel like lonely? Are you just saying lonely in life? Are you saying lonely because you don't have someone to go do something with? You're you know, your spouse doesn't want to go do, or your spouse is sick and you're caring for him and you're the one the only one. Is that cause that to be cause you to be feeling lonely? I I'm just curious as as to there's multiple things that you can put in there.

Daniel Moore:

Well, this is a spot where we can kind of throw it off on you guys that are listening. If you're on a uh device that you're listening on a platform that has comments or something, we're on YouTube and Rumble and uh a couple at Spotify I think has comments now. Or you can go to the Facebook page. I make a Facebook post on all of these, and maybe if you have some insight to put into that, we'd love to love to see that because I'm real curious as to why that happens.

Michelle Moore:

But I mean, again, we're not that age. Right.

Daniel Moore:

And it's you know we're halfway there.

Michelle Moore:

A little over half.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. Depending on how you look at it. Um, but you know, as we talk about this this issue and this idea of living alone together, I guess is how you put that. You know, all couples go through times when emotional closeness fluctuates, and the busyness of daily responsibilities often pulls focus away from our relationship. I mean, we all understand how that works. When schedules are hectic, it's natural for the marriage to take a backseat temporarily, and that makes it harder to feel connected. It can start to seem like you and your partner are more like a roommate at that point than you are a spouse. You know, for some, this feeling is linked to a temporary phase like a new job, a family illness, or raising small children. But once that phase passes, you know, that closeness usually will naturally return. It'll come back to you. So we're not talking about the little things that cause those moments of loneliness that we may feel. What we're really concerned about here as we go through this episode this week and next week, because this will be another two-parter, uh, we're really concerned with the one that begins when that emotional gap stretches on for months and years.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

You know, suddenly one or both partners realize they've been coexisting and they really have no connection to each other. And that's when you really know that there's an issue there that's going way beyond the distractions, way beyond the busyness of what's going on in your life. You know, the story that we shared here at the beginning, that's what unfolded for Jeff and Lindsay. You know, over time, their lack of connection turned into a way of life. Jeff's job required frequent travel, and even when he was home, his mind was elsewhere. He was fixing things around the house, attending kids' sports, focusing on personal interest. Meanwhile, Lindsay felt the strain of running the house alone because he was gone a lot. With Jeff emotionally and physically distant, she poured her energy into her nursing career, raising the kids and spending time with her group of friends. So it's almost like she was a single mom at that point. As time went on, they shared fewer moments as a couple. So even though they were still under the same roof, they rarely spent quality time together. They spent time, but it wasn't really quality intimacy type time that they really needed to keep that flame burning in their relationship. And Jeff and Lindsay's story shows how easily a couple can unknowingly become disconnected with both partners living separate emotional lives. So we have several signs here that you can be moving in that same direction. And Michelle, you want to share the first one there with us?

Michelle Moore:

Yeah. You hardly see each other when at home. You rarely share meals together, or you spend most of your time in separate rooms of the house.

Daniel Moore:

Go ahead. Go ahead and give us the rest of them there, and then we'll come back and discuss them.

Michelle Moore:

Household chores get done independently. And notice it says household chores get done independently.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. We'll talk about that here in a minute.

Michelle Moore:

I know. I I'm I'm soaking that one in. Um, you spend most weekends, evenings, or time off invested in your children, your friends, church, hobbies, or personal interests. Your spouse isn't the first person you call to talk about your day or to share good news. If you're upset, you're more likely to confide in someone else. You don't check with your spouse when making decisions or discuss individual plans or activities. You go to bed at separate times and get out of bed at different times. You no longer sleep in the same bed or in the same room. You have separate bank accounts, his money or her money. You don't seem to argue anymore. My bother. Most of your conversations focus on everyday responsibilities and logistics rather than emotional and inner life issues. Besides the kids, you seem to have little in common. You have separate hobbies and interests. You exist in proximity to each other. You sit on opposite sides of the couch when you watch TV. When you're in bed, you sleep on your own side and never touch. Sex is rare or non-existent. You hang out with your own friends and have hardly any couple friends. You don't function like teammates. You stay together for the sake of your children.

Daniel Moore:

So that's a pretty extensive list there of some very serious problems.

Michelle Moore:

Very self-explanatory, too.

Daniel Moore:

I mean it's problems. Yeah. So straight to the point on all that. You know, and several of these resonate so much with where you and I were at at one point, you know, in our relationship. Uh it got to the point where we did a lot of things separately. And I think, you know, as we go back up here to the top of this list, um I think probably one of the first ones that stands out is about the chores. Uh that one is a tough one because a lot of times one spouse feels like they're super busy, the other one's not as busy as they are, so that they're the ones that should be doing all the chores around the house. And, you know, I see so often where one spouse seems to get the brunt.

Michelle Moore:

It's just hard though, sometimes this is one that I am very like flexible with because sometimes people travel and it does sold their responsibility on the person that's home. Um it's one thing if you're married, you get married, and that job is already there. But if you get the job while you're married, that has to be a discussion that's made and a decision that's made both knowingly going into it. But there are also times that, you know, someone may work nights, someone works days, you know, it's just there's so many things that play factor in that. But I still think even though if you do a lot, you still, if you're coming home, take that responsibility for a day or two so that that person can take a break.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

I mean, it it is it is a we gum as one.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

It's not me or I, it's one.

Daniel Moore:

And it's not my home or your home, it's our home. And all of the things that are in the house is, you know, between the two of us. We both make the messes.

Michelle Moore:

We do have and this one, this one can become, and some people may agree or may disagree, but I'm gonna say it. There are some women out there that are very critical in discussing or not discussing, but telling their husbands pretty much you need to do it this way, or you're not doing it good enough. I'll just do it, don't worry about it. Women if your husband's trying, keep those comments to yourself, let him try. It may not be good enough for you, but he's trying. And I give him kudos for that.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

Because as long as they try, I think that they're they're trying for their marriage too at the same time. Would you agree or disagree with that?

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, no, I totally agree. And I just looking at it from let's say that this is well, like you're saying, you're kind of talking to the women. So I'll talk about from the guy's side of it. Um, if if I see that you want it done a certain way and you explain to me why and it makes good sense or whatever, uh, I will be the one that I will eventually try to get to the point where I load it like you said it should be should be loaded. Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

You know, we're talking about the dishwasher people.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, dishwasher. Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

I know exactly where he's going with it.

Daniel Moore:

That or the laundry. The laundry is another one. I think you can just throw it in there except for so some people do that, but you got the calls, but you got the people that separate stuff, you know, and so you'll have those arguments. Yeah. Because not everybody does laundry the same way either. I guess that's all right. But after a while, well, like me mowing the yard. I want the yard mowed a certain way. I want it weedy to weedy a certain way. And yes, I'll let you mow.

Michelle Moore:

I mow, yes.

Daniel Moore:

But if it's I'll let you do all your stuff, and then if I see something that I like to tweak, I'll go tweak it. But I don't say no, you're not gonna mow because you're not I'm not gonna, you I'm gonna have to redo that one spot.

Michelle Moore:

He only does that to our kids.

Daniel Moore:

You know, yeah, the kids. He won't let the sun well I don't want my equipment destroyed.

Michelle Moore:

But he'll let me destroy it. Let our son.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, but no, I think that regardless if it's to the expectation of what each spouse thinks it should be, depending on the chore, I think that both spouses need to jump in and try to get it done, try to help each other. Uh again, that's good bonding time, even.

Michelle Moore:

You know, you just gotta watch that critical spirit. You have to watch it, you cannot constantly nag someone, whether it be the husband or the wife.

Daniel Moore:

Just think you've got a husband or a wife that's doing something, maybe not a hundred percent like you like it, but across town there's another spouse that's fighting theirs to get up off the couch and do anything.

Michelle Moore:

Right. Oh, that's good.

Daniel Moore:

So you have to make sure that you remember if you if your spouse is at least trying, yeah, you're probably in that upper percentage of those people that have that actually happened. Absolutely. Because I know a lot of homes and a lot of households, even within my realm of friends and the people that I know, I can think of several where one spouse does the majority of the home, you know, the home upkeep as far as the cleaning and all that kind of thing. And, you know, because the other spouse, well, I'm I work hard all the time. It's like, well, I understand that, but you both took the responsibility to have a home. You both have to upkeep it. And everybody needs to do their fair share. Sometimes it's even not a fair share, but you need to work together as a team. It's teamwork. Yep. You know, teamwork doesn't mean that everything's split 50-50 all the time. Sometimes teamwork is 70-30, 60-40. You know, you just there's different situations and you have to accommodate for that, but at least try.

Michelle Moore:

And teamwork fixed.

Daniel Moore:

The dream work. That's right.

Michelle Moore:

I want to go on this one. This one, this one I was like, I don't understand this one. So you go to bed at separate times and get out of bed at different times. Now, then the other sentence comes, you no longer sleep in the same bed or in the same room. Take that sentence out. We go bed at separate times and get up at different times.

Daniel Moore:

So I think what it's speaking into is sometimes people do that on purpose because they don't want to cross the path. They don't want to be awake in the same bed together. So one will try to beat the other one to bed to get to sleep so that there's no chance of having intimacy or any of that kind of thing because they just don't want it. That's in severe situations, severe cases. Well, they probably have said that together by that point.

Michelle Moore:

Okay.

Daniel Moore:

But yeah, that's kind of what that one's getting at there. Because it is true, you know, a lot of these things that are signs, these are just signs uh that that this might be happening, uh, but it doesn't necessarily mean that that's the actual reason. You know, there could be a legit reason for why some of this stuff takes place and it's fixable. But if this is something that, you know, there's a lot of times that we do go to bed at separate times, but there's a lot of times we go to bed at the same time too.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah. You know, and I'm not a we we go to bed at the same time, then we read together. Yeah. Like he'll read, he'll I call us old people. He'll turn his side lamp on, I turned mine on, and we'll read for a little bit, and we're like, okay, we're we're tired, let's go to bed. And then we go to sleep. But I mean, yeah, that's a good thing.

Daniel Moore:

So if I if I got to the point where I never ever wanted to go to bed at the same time you do, I always made it intentional that me or you go first and whatever, then you probably need to look into that. That might that could be an underlying issue there that's causing that because you know it's sometimes it's good just to go to bed at the same time. That's your pillow talk time.

Michelle Moore:

You know, I never would have thought of that. Like that's not something in my mind I would have ever thought. No.

Daniel Moore:

That's you know that means we don't have an issue with that, so that's good. So but it's there's uh several more there that you guys can kind of stew on and think about. You know, there of course the sex is a big one. Sex is rare and non-existent. Uh, that's a big one. If you're in a stage of life where that's still something that can be a bonding moment between the two of you, that's the most special thing that we can ever share between each other. Later on, we have an episode coming up about uh a sexless marriage. Uh, we'll be going over that uh section of this here in in a few weeks. So that's coming up, but that's another uh big hot topic there that always comes up when we start seeing marital problems and stuff. That's one of the first things that gets stopped is those intimate moments, and whether if it's just sex or cuddling or whatever it may be, a lot of that stuff kind of goes to the side. Yeah. Um, because you know, that's just not on the radar of the couple at that time. Uh so there's a lot of things there that um are issues that you really have to be careful of. And you know, altogether these patterns can create a marriage that runs smoothly on the surface, but down deep inside, they're emotionally isolating. And at its heart, marriage is meant to reflect deep unity and closeness, a merging of two lives into one, as described in Genesis 2.24. No one dreams of being lonely while walking down the aisle or choosing a wedding venue. We're pretty sure, you know, you didn't say your vows thinking, I can't wait for us to go our separate ways emotionally. You know, that's just not on your radar on that wedding day. Still, isolation can quietly take root, even in the context of a long-term relationship and a partnership. So it may sound contradictory, but loneliness can't exist inside a shared life. You know, there's a common belief that marriage will fulfill our need or constant companionship, that finding a spouse means gaining a permanent confidant who will always be emotionally available. But the truth is simply sharing a home or routine doesn't ensure true connection. Having a spouse under the same roof doesn't automatically mean that you'll feel seen, heard, or known. There's a author that that wrote a uh a thing here, and why don't you read that to us?

Michelle Moore:

It says people tend to think of abandonment as something physical like neglect. A loss of physical closeness due to death, divorce, or illness can be felt as an emotional abandonment as well. But emotional abandonment has nothing to do with proximity. It can happen when uh the other person is lying right beside us when we can't connect or when our emotional needs are being met in our relationship.

Daniel Moore:

So you know, in many ways, this type of loneliness is much more painful. And why is that? It's because you're married. It's one thing to have that kind of a divide between friends, uh, siblings, you know, those kinds of things. Those are a different type of a relationship. But whenever you have this divide within the holy union that God has put together of a husband and a wife, uh, you both sit there and promise to hold each other, to cherish each other through, you know, sickness and health for better, for worse. You know, you've made all those vows, and then all of a sudden you find yourself someday lying there totally separated between each other and no emotional relationship going on. It's just evaporated. And that can be very painful, especially if one spouse doesn't want it to be that way, but the other one, you know, is okay with it. That can be very painful for that spouse that's really missing all of that. So although you're physically not alone, you feel extraordinarily lonely from the alienation. So another author kind of explained that. And can you read that one there to us?

Michelle Moore:

When isolation infects a marriage, a husband and a wife exclude each other. When you're excluded, you have a feeling of distance, a lack of closeness, and a little real intimacy. You can share a bed, eat at the same dinner table, watch the same TV, share the same checking account, and parent the same children and still be alone. You may have sex, but you don't have love. You may talk, but you don't communicate. You live together, but you don't share a lie.

Daniel Moore:

As you read that, you know, we weren't really meant to go through life alone. Our maker, you know, God, he designed us with a profound longing to connect. And to be truly known by someone else. At the core of who we are is a desire for intimacy. That's the way that we were created for someone to see the real us and still choose to be close. That's what the whole point of this relationship is I see you, I hear you, I know who you are, I know your heart. I want to be close to that. That's something that I long for. And, you know, you should be the same way towards me. That's how we're all created. We all crave to feel chosen, valued, and loved, not just generally, but personally and deeply. This longing is especially important in marriage. You know, in Genesis 2.18 and Genesis 2, verse 20, scripture affirms this, reminding us that the Lord recognized Adam's aloneness and provided a partner suited for him. As Adam observed and named the creatures around him, he would have noticed the pairs or the companionship that they shared, highlighting his own solitude, his own loneliness. That would have stirred the deep desire in his soul for a companion meant just for him. Similarly, when couples begin to lead separate lives emotionally, a profound sense of detachment can take root, bringing with it a quiet but powerful loneliness. The emotional distance, it can become overwhelming. The effort to bridge the gap becomes tiring, requests for more closeness, more presence, begin to feel like nagging or fall on deaf ears. Eventually people may stop trying altogether, and thoughts of emotional connection with someone else starts to creep in. In moments like those when people feel unseen and disconnected, a marriage reaches a breaking point, often without one or both partners even realizing how close they are to it. Loneliness in marriage is more than a passing feeling. It's something few are willing to endure long term. And we've witnessed this reality firsthand even in our own journey. And I see a lot of times, you know, where there is can be nagging. I can see how the relationship can get to that point, especially if you have one spouse that's irritated because things aren't going the way they think it should be, while the other one is continually distancing themselves further and further away. And, you know, usually that that triggers that fight or flight syndrome. And when that happens, usually the spouse that's wanting the relationship to work starts to fight for it. And so they'll start throwing comments and arrows and daggers, whatever you want to call them, whatever they may be, at the other spouse, trying to get their attention to say, hey, this is going bad, you know. Well, the other spouse is checking out and they're not so sure they want to be in there at all anyway, and they're gonna take all that as nagging or criticizing or whatever it may be, and they're gonna shut their heart off if it's not already shut off. And so all of that stuff that's being said is falling on deaf ears, they're not hearing any of it.

Michelle Moore:

Right.

Daniel Moore:

All they know is I this is all the more reason I don't want to be here. You know, that's what they're thinking in their mind, and so that's a very dangerous place to end up in. And a lot of times, you know, as we noted here, a lot of partners don't realize they're even that close to it until it's too late, you know, and it's just I I just think back to our relationship and how it deteriorated. And I'll be honest, I mean, it's we've had a few years, you know, in between then now and and to where we are at this point. So I've forgotten a lot of things probably. But even as I go back and I try to think about that whole progression of how all that happened and whatever, sometimes it's just kind of a blur. I just don't really know. I don't I'm just like, how did that happen? You know, it's just like it's just like all of a sudden it it kind of started where it was at, and then all of a sudden it was there, you know. And I think sometimes we're so blinded to things that are going on in our relationships because we're not being intentional.

Michelle Moore:

I I would agree with that.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, 100%. I think that it can really creep up on us, yeah, you know, if we're not careful. So, you know, I think we can both look back and think of the time that we both, you know, you and I would have been prone to say that we feel alone. I mean, we both went through that. Yeah. And I'll never forget when I had gone through a difficult work situation, had a very good paying job, that after two years of putting the job first before my family, I was laid off. And I think we talked about this a little bit in our testimony in episode 199. But, you know, hard times came on the business, and being one of the better paid employees there, I was the one of the first ones to be let go. And this time ushered in a dark and painful season for me. I felt rejected in many ways, and I became depressed. And sadly, I didn't handle my emotions very well. I was consumed with my own pain. I began to withdraw from you and the kids at the home. I isolated myself in my own little world, and you know, you had every right to feel lonely. We were both hurting, and it took an enormous toll on our marriage. So, you know, all of you listening out there for anything like us, you might be feeling exhausted by the same repeating cycle. You express your frustration about the lack of communication in your marriage, your spouse gets defensive, then makes an effort, maybe planning a date or initiating a heartfelt talk, but the effort fades quickly, and before long, you're left feeling even more discouraged and isolated. Eventually you stop bringing it up altogether, assuming this is simply your new normal. A sense of resignation creeps in and your heart starts to grow numb. You know, we all know that cycle so well. All of us that have been through that. Those of you that are heading that direction right now, that's what it's gonna be. That's what you have to look forward to if you're not careful, if you don't fix these issues, you need to stop what you're doing. You need to be more intentional with each other, see each other, hear each other, love on each other, be intimate with each other, and want to make sure that you make that intentional effort to for sure keep trying to know who your spouse is. Um please stay involved because you know Michelle and I live that also. But by God's mercy, we begin to learn some valuable truths along the way. And the encouraging part is that restoration is possible. Even after years of drifting apart, it can it's completely within reach to find your way back to each other. And that process doesn't require losing your sense of independence. In fact, the first key is realizing that reconnecting emotionally doesn't mean giving up what you are or who you are as an individual. And I can see where I think a lot of times we're gonna talk about that interdependence here in just a second. I'm gonna have you share with us on that, but I think I can see sometimes where when people get into this state where they're separating themselves and they're they're moving off into the distance from their their mate, that for them to come back, they do have to give up something. They they do have to give up uh the the the independence that they're feeling. Uh, you know, maybe they're trying to get to a point where they're just secluded by themselves, they feel more in control because it's just them.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And it looks like chaos to have to move back into that situation where there's two of them again, to have to try to figure each other out and whatever that may be. But you know, uh, as we talked before, marriage takes work. Yeah, it doesn't just happen. You don't just snap your finger and it's done. It takes hard, hard work sometimes. And we do have to sacrifice. Yeah, we do have to give things up. And so as we talk about this interdependence thing, Michelle, why don't you share with us?

Michelle Moore:

Couples who find themselves living them parallel lives often become comfortable with their personal space and self-sufficiency. That doesn't mean that they have to choose between being independent or being connected in their relationship. These two ideals aren't meant to be opposites, but rather two parts of a healthy dynamic. The goal is to find a rhythm that allows space for individuality while still nurturing emotional closeness. One of the biggest misconceptions in marriage is thinking your partner should fulfill every role in your life, whether it may be best friend, spiritual advisor, an emotional rock, romantic partner, co-worker in parenting, planner, cook, cleaner, financial strategist, motivator, and comforter. That's an unrealistic expectation and a prescription for disappointment. God designed each one of us to be whole individuals grounded in Him with our identity and purpose rooted in Christ. As John 10 10 reminds us, Jesus came to offer us a full and meaningful life. He alone is meant to be our everything. A thriving marriage consists of two emotionally and spiritually healthy people who trust in Christ as their foundation. As you move away from disconnected living and back toward relational closeness, the key is developing interdependence, relying on one another while staying rooted in your own identity and faith. True transformation begins when the cost of staying disconnected becomes greater than the fear of change. This will require facing the real issues that divide you and choosing to engage in behaviors that bring you back together as a team. Let's look at a few root challenges that may be causing you to stay stuck.

Daniel Moore:

So as we talk about this interdependence situation here, the thing that I'm reminded of is how so many times when we talk about the unity candle, and Michelle and I use this analogy in our marriage 911 uh crisis marriage mentorship, but it's very fitting for right here. Uh the unity candle simulates two people coming together, becoming one, and they blow out the candle, and then they're one. But that really kind of gives you a bad look at what marriage really is because that's not really true. Because there's still two people in that relationship. Right there's still the man, there's still the woman. And then, of course, you've got God. So, in all reality, it should be one plus one equals three, is what it should be. So as we look at this interdependence thing, we feel like whenever we come back into the relationship from being separated and apart, and we have this distance and we've uh kind of this loneliness factor that's going on. And a lot of times we'll look back to as we come back, try to come back together and fix all of that. We look to one of our partners to be everything. Um, anything and everything that we could ever need, we look for that partner to fulfill every mode.

Michelle Moore:

And I messed up with that because I put you on a pencil. Yeah, it's you were my everything, and once you did that, yeah, it went crumbling. Yeah, and that and you So I learned first hand on that, and then I had to fix where my source was.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. So the healthy way to bring to fix the situation as we as for this week is concerned, is to come back together, but you both need to be in a healthy place individually.

Michelle Moore:

Right.

Daniel Moore:

As you come back together, so that when you do mesh your relationship again, you have some safe space there to be able to talk through things because you don't have one unhealthy individual and a healthy individual trying to come together, you clash. Right. Or if you have two unhealthy individuals, you clash.

Michelle Moore:

It's definitely going to clash.

Daniel Moore:

And what I mean by a healthy individual is someone that has become stable-minded in the way that they think towards their marriage, they're putting God first. They have reconciled within themselves that they did have problems, that they were part of the issue, and that they need to make some things right, they're taking responsibility, and they have asked God to forgive them for the things that they have done in that marriage and made it right with God so that they can come back together now and ask forgiveness from each other.

Michelle Moore:

Yep. Yep.

Daniel Moore:

And don't rem don't forget, too, there's a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. You can forgive somebody and it still not be fixed. That is correct. If you forgive somebody and they don't give that back to you, at least it's off of you. That's right. You know, as they always say, forgiveness is more for the individual that forgave than for the other one that received it. That's good. And when you can reconcile, though, that that's where the actual bloom in the marriage starts to happen, where that reconstruction starts to take place. And at that moment, um, that's whenever God can start working in that situation and you can start working again towards having that healthy relationship that God intended you to have. And so don't just uh get out there and from all the nagging, make a quick U-turn, oh I'm just going back and fix this then if that's what they want, you know. Come back with that real bad attitude and then just jump right in the middle of it trying to fix stuff while both of you are still irritated and not gonna work and everything else is probably not gonna work if you try to do that. So you have to make sure you fix yourselves in in order for that interdependence to take place and expect that both of you are gonna have to take on the loads. It can't be all on one person's shoulders.

Michelle Moore:

And I also think if you're fixing yourself, seeking God's face of when the right time to connect with that spouse is very important, the discernment because you may be ready, but the spouse may not be.

Daniel Moore:

Right.

Michelle Moore:

So I think that's where the spiritually health healthy part of um making sure that yourself is healthy comes to play and factor because you're gonna have to have the discernment to go into their space when you know they're ready for that.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. It's a very good, very good point. Because what?

Michelle Moore:

I made a good point.

Daniel Moore:

You always do.

Michelle Moore:

Woohoo! You don't see it, but fireworks are going off.

Daniel Moore:

Uh I I married a very intelligent spouse and Michelle.

Michelle Moore:

LOL.

Daniel Moore:

Oh, no, you that I mean it's it shows even in our relationship because if if you or I came back in and tried to fix things after everything we went through, and one of us really just didn't want it. And it wouldn't have worked. Yeah, the other one did, it wouldn't have worked.

Michelle Moore:

No.

Daniel Moore:

You know, we both had to come to a point where we both had to decide is this for real or not for real.

Michelle Moore:

And I also think that the timing was right. It was God's timing for both of us at that time. I don't think that, you know, yes, you did fight for us. I wasn't ready. But it was when I became ready, God really opened that door for both of us to come in and meet and heal. And, you know, I I think that's very, very important. You can't just sit there and say, Well, I ask forgiveness and you know, I'm not gonna do this, but you're you know, that person also needs to heal. Yeah, you know, you can't just expect them just to turn around like that. Now, five years later, if you're still not there, there's there's something with that person, but that person may need some time.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

Um, and you know they're seeking it because if they're seeking God, they've got places to heal that they know that need to heal.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah. So we're gonna go ahead and wrap it up here actually for this week, and we'll start in next week here where we've left off and we'll finish up this episode. But I think that, you know, this is such a timely message. I I just I know a lot of people that are really struggling, you know, with being married um but not feeling married. You know, it's like there are just a lot of things going on in their life right now where they just feel totally disconnected. And, you know, that's not something really when we first got married to our spouses, that's not really what we signed up for.

Michelle Moore:

But I also feel the enemy he is, he's I think people need to recognize in the marriage when the enemy's at work.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

And I think that's very important to see if you guys are seeking God and you're praying together and you know there's issues, you need to be knowing when the enemy's at work.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah.

Michelle Moore:

Because he is, I mean, he's conniving, he knows what little things will set you off or trigger something. And so you have to recognize when it's the enemy.

Daniel Moore:

Yeah, you have to be able to discern what that is. And I guess this is kind of a good spot to throw this in here. I've uh here recently I've actually written a book and it's getting ready to be released here shortly.

Michelle Moore:

Very good.

Daniel Moore:

It's been kind of a secret up my sleeve.

Michelle Moore:

It has been.

Daniel Moore:

Uh, but it has been published at this point, it's through the review process right now. But there is a chapter in there on marriage and spiritual warfare. And it's a it's a really good chapter. And actually, one of the things it touches on is how do you know that it's the enemy attacking your marriage and it's not something else. And there's some things in there that kind of go through that process of how you can tell the difference. But for most of us, we can usually, if we're a good Christian person that's in the word, you know, praying in our uh on a regular basis, we go to church on a regular basis and we just try to keep God central in our life, we can usually tell when that demonic work is going on when it's actually Satan attacking us or it's just a uh result of the moment. Yeah. There's a different there's a difference. And we have to get to that point where we can understand and discern between the two because you may be fighting your spouse, but what if you're actually spighting your spouse and your spouse and Satan at the same time? You're gonna have to approach that just a little bit differently. Absolutely. You know, you you can't use the same weapons and do it the same way because sometimes the spouse may not even think they're the problem, and it may be Satan that's causing all of that. And so that's why it's so important to keep God in the middle of your relationships, in the middle of your marriage, and try to create that spot that Satan cannot penetrate. Build those barriers, you know, ask God to erect those walls of safety around you and to resist Satan and to keep him away from you because the Bible tells us that you know, at the at the mention of Christ's name, Satan flees.

Michelle Moore:

Yeah.

Daniel Moore:

And so we have to remember that if we can keep him in the center of our relationship and it's a godly marriage, Satan can't be there. He has to go. Um but we have to take that authority in the name of Jesus and make sure that that takes place. So next week we'll come back. We'll go ahead and pick up here where we've left off. We're gonna be talking about a monkey trap. I don't know if y'all know what one of those are. If you don't, I do not. If you don't, that gives you something to look forward to next week to see what that is and how that has anything to do with our marriages. So that's a very interesting uh episode that we'll have next week as we finish up this episode here on being married but feeling lonely, feeling like that we're by ourselves.

Michelle Moore:

So have anything else to add to this week's or I just want to tell anyone in that that's listening, you you know, if you ever feel lonely and you can't get away from feeling that reach out to us because you're not you are not alone. Um, it states that in the Bible. God is there, you know, wants to love you. I just any marriage person that feels that way, please reach out to us. We'll be praying.

Daniel Moore:

We'd love to say prayer over.

Michelle Moore:

Yes, absolutely.

Daniel Moore:

Yes. Well, that's gonna go ahead and wrap it up this week, then. And we pray that as we've been through this episode, that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer. And we hope that you have a good week. This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray over each and every one of you that you have a blessed week.

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Daniel and Michelle Moore

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